Afrobabe: The story of an African girl

Another year, same old Afrobabe!

2011-04-01T09:53:00.005+01:00

Yayyyyyy it's my birthday.

Boy have I missed this place. I can't believe I stayed away for a whole year!

In the past, on this day I would get drunk and write something very naughty...hehehhehehe sometimes it made sense..most times the picture of the post redeemed me...lol...

Missed being naughty sooooooo much that I penned this down....

Scented Sheets
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I love men….I have always loved men. I loved men even when I was considered too young to love men.

Why then am I staring at my friend’s boobs?

I wanted to touch them so bad that I clenched my hands so some evil spirit wouldn’t take control, reach out and squeeze her nipples.

This can’t be happening to me, I am engaged to Dave, a wonderful man. I don’t want to want women and most especially not one of my best friends…I am quite happy loving cock. This must be a mid life crisis…but mum would probably tell you it’s the devil…~~Idle minds~~….Idle hands want to squeeze boobs!

Continue...

The Wild Mamba

2010-03-17T16:20:00.004Z

So…

I haven't written in a long long while…

But there is this topic in my head that wont go away..
No, it's not about the state of our nation, neither is it about how Turai has held a whole country to ransom. Well actually it has something to do with her!

You see there is this new fixation I seem to have acquired…

I have had previous naughty addictions…i.e. staring at crotches!

This one is even worse as the other party can be either male or female.

I need a cure…anyone with an answer should help me ASAP!!!

The new fixation in my head…

I look at people and wonder what they look like when they are doing the nasty, stirring the coffee, mattress wrestling ,doing the wild mamba ,shagging, bumping uglies, hitting the sack ,having relations, riding the pony, fa-shizzling the nizzle, doing the dirty, creating some friction in the sheets!!

Now what was I saying again??

Yes even Turai, I look at Turai and wonder what her facial expression would be like while making love. Does she fling off her scarf in the heat of the moment? Does she grab Yardie and scream “harder”? Does she do doggie style? Does she close her eyes?

It started with this chic at work…very serious girl..She sits next to me in an open office but I cant hear a word of what she says on the phone...Jokes around occasionally, gets very red in the face if she laughs hard, walks in a militant way…loves combat trousers…

I wonder what she is like at home..When she is talking to her boyfriend..Does she relax or is she as uptight as she looks at work..What does she look like while being touched? I can imagine she gets really red in the face. I can imagine her eyes shut in ecstasy but does she raise her voice?

Now it’s escalated to everybody old enough to do the deed. Doctors, Pastors, random strangers…Hot random strangers, fat random strangers…Gordon Brown, Jonathan Goodluck, John Fashanu, Idris Elba….hmmmmmm especially him!!

Hopefully I have written it out of my head….

But wait, I know I am sane so you all must have been doing it!!!

Please say yes...

WANKER

2009-10-06T16:33:00.005+01:00

Up, down, up down went his oily little hand, faster and faster it moved, he closed his eyes waiting for the explosion which never came. Instead he heard a shrill laughter followed by voices, little John, a pale British boy opened his eyes in shock and stared at 3 pairs of eyes staring back at him with even more shock.

“WANKER”!! Ashley his sister Sally’s friend screamed, the word felt like a pistol. “Wanker, wanker, wanker” All three continued chanting, John stumbled out of the greenhouse, his pants hanging by his ankles making him stumble, closely followed by the three chanting girls. He ran past his mother sobbing like his heart was breaking into little bits straight into his room.

“Fred go after him” Flora implored worriedly.

Fred grunted, dropped his Sunday times and went after his sobbing son shooing the girls away. “I too was a wanker dear”, he said to John. “There is nothing to be ashamed of, just don’t get caught next time ok”. Fatherly duty done he went back to his papers.

The following morning as John walked to school he could see everybody’s eyes on him. Sally and her friends had told!!!

“Wanker, wanker,wanker” The children chanted pointing fingers as he passed, John cringed at the words but continued to his class room, he really hoped his dad would get the contract to go to Africa so he could get away from his tormentors!

One month later, Lord Frederick Lugard, his wife Flora and their children John, and Sally were in West Africa their new home, what an exciting life they were going to live, the natives welcomed them and treated them like visitors. In Africa visitors were treated like kings and queens.

Africa the land full of potentials, virgins walking around half naked, young men built like oak trees wielding spears, Africa the land where people were content with their little huts and their lovely brides, Africa where he would soon introduce the British rule, force the different cultures, and tribes into one country and thus introduce tribal/religious clashes and wars. But this story is not about Lord Lugard but his son John!

John soon made friends, and each time any of them upset him he would call them the name he himself had been called back in England. "Wanker", he would say this pointing at the kids. The African kids soon learnt that John only did that when he was upset so it had to be an insult. They too soon took to calling john and every other kid a wanker spreading their five fingers, very soon they added other sentences to the sign, like “Your mama” “Your papa” a very big insult indeed as Africans held their parents in the greatest esteem

And that my dear friend is how the word wanker came to Nigeria!!!

The children never did find out the meaning of wanker and up to this very day both kids and adults in Africa spread their five fingers at anyone who upsets them and calls the person….wanker!!!

Disclaimer:
Lord Lugard had no children, John and his sister Sally are fictional characters, everything else is true. Honest, you can goggle it!

I am African…

2009-09-07T08:15:00.000+01:00

I am African…

I was not told to stand by the wall when I was naughty.

I was not deprived of my favourite toys because there were none.

My share of the house work was the same as that of the paid helps.

That beautiful shrub your mother watered daily so she could smell the flowers? My mother watered hers so it could produce strong canes for my ass, back, hands…wherever she could reach while I ran for my life.

Those shoes that deceptively lay on the floor were not there by accident for they were kept for their ability to double as a weapon that would catch my fleeing back.

I was beat up for talking to boys, for in their world girls and boys could not be friends and talking to them would lead to pregnancy. I was 10 years old!

I was beat up for coming 7th in a class of 50, because they believed the 6 people before me did not have 2 heads. The 43 behind me did not matter in their books.

I was beat up for burning the evening meal because I was watching TV at the same time. For how will I take care of a home if I burnt meals. I was 8 years old!

I was beat me up for beating up my younger sister. For was I not born first inorder to protect her? I was 6 years old!

Mother told me she brought me into this world and so had the right to take me out!!

My shoes were not bought because they were beautiful, they were bought to last, when my legs got hurt from the tough leather, I took them off and held them under my arm, for to go home without them was a suicidal.

I ran, switched off the TV, cleaned the living room and put a book before me when I heard father's car horn, for to be caught watching TV meant the money for my education was a waste. This greatly improved my hearing, because not hearing the car horn meant I would eat my dinner with an aching body!

I feared expressing myself for saying the wrong thing was asking for a caning. It was better to keep quiet and listen to the adults.

I am African… My parents shaped my future. The beatings disciplined me. The lack of toys did not make me feel deprived. It made me inventive in creating my own toys and now know I can live without some things. I never compare myself to those behind me but those I aspire to be like, or beat. I hear your lies because I have perfect hearing.

I am African…Unlike you, I cannot claim to have been damaged by my parents. I am what I am today because I am African!

Hey

2009-07-21T20:51:00.004+01:00

Dammm I've missed this place....

Ghosts and Demons 2

2009-06-01T10:28:00.000+01:00

"Jesussssssss" Senior Chrissie screamed, "Blood of Jesussssss" someone else screamed from some part of the dormitory.Then as expected pandemonium broke. Everyone tried to leave their beds at the same time with only one location in mind. The massive glow in the dark cross that hung on one side of the dormitory.

I won't blame you for thinking Senior Chrissie and I didn't run seeing as we knew what caused that first scream, We ran, we ran towards the cross for dear life.People were screaming and crying, someone caught up in her mosquito net fainted, from fear I presume.
As I ran more urine came down my legs, didn't even know I had any left after peeing on my bed, amazing what fear can cause. We thank God the urine wasn't accompanied by other body wastes.

The prayer warriors took over. "I overcome you in the name of Jesus, I cover all of us in the name of Jesus, No one shall die, we will live to declare your name Lord, can the dead praise you? " etc!!

I stood there in my wet and cold night wear shivering and trying not to touch anyone least they know I had wet myself..

After about 30 minutes of prayers, most people had calmed down, the stories started. "It was lady koi koi", "I saw her", "she wore a long white gown","no she wore a long red dress", "no her shoe was red", "she held my leg, See I am still limping from the pain", she scratched me,See the marks on my hand"."She was with a black cat", "it's eyes were orange"!!!

We all drifted back to our beds, senior Chrissie quietly opened my iron box and gave me a fresh night gown then she turned her mattress over and we both slept together on the thin narrow mattress.

Sleeping with someone was not allowed because of lesbianism but hey I was from America and not used to those kind of ghosts. I only knew casper the friendly ghost!

she never volunteered to accompany me to the toilet outside, rather the next day she bought a black bucket with a cover and told me to pee there whenever I needed to. Guess Senior Chrissie wasn't too keen on meeting one on one with Lady koikoi either.

No one ever heard the story as She didn't tell anyone, neither did she ever bring it up with me. It was our secret.

Every week someone saw or heard something, everyweek I grew thinner without actually meeting our co tenants, the ghosts and demons. At a point I wondered if it would be better if we met and came to some arrangment at least then I would know the worst that could happen.

Ghost and Demons

2009-05-11T16:45:00.005+01:00

Lying down there eyes shut tight, part of my bed sheet in my mouth to stop me from screaming from the sounds of the night i.e. the crickets, little fluffy creatures and all the demons just waiting for me to open my eyes so they could take me with them, I felt something touch my body and I bite hard into the bed sheet before I realised the mosquito net must have come loose and was swaying with the wind.

Then I felt the urine trickle down my body, I knew I had two minutes before she woke up screaming.

Two weeks earlier

I was extremely excited, I was going to boarding school. I had secured admission to four secondary schools, three in Lagos which ruled them all out because I would have to go from home and one in a state 13 hours drive away (Now it's 9 hours because you don't have to go through Benin anymore).

I chose that particular school because my mum had just given birth and the thought of washing all those napkins and baby clothes with baby vomit on them didn't appeal to me. I was going with my fathers blessings (His child going to Benue state to learn the culture and know more about her people), my mothers fear and apprehension.(Her first child, going off to live in the unknown despite all her begging.) and the envy of my siblings.

Milo, Peak milk, cabin biscuits, coke and fanta, iron box, body cream, deodorant (I was now a big girl) enough pocket money to get all the stuff I needed.

Yesterday

My dad came with me to get me settled in school, handed me over to the principle who in turn handed me over to a school mother.

School mother Chrissie was extremely happy to receive an American returnee as a school daughter, that plus the fact that my dad gave her some pocket money for herself, she treated me like her long lost daughter.

It's our first night in boarding and we are all excited, most of us have never slept outside of our homes, we immediately make friends and cliques are born after which went for evening rosary which started at 6pm. We prayed in groups according to your classes i.e. Form 1a prayed together with one senior student leading us.6pm became a very significant time in my life in boarding and not for religious reasons.

After rosary it was usually dark so we went for dinner then evening prep ( Studying, still don't know what the full name for prep is).

The story begins during prep, some girls who decided to go get some bathing water for the following day came back screaming minus one. The saw a headless man at the water pumps pumping away. One fainted promptly and the other two ran away. Senior students gathered round and the prayer warriors led the way to the pumps with heavy binding and casting of the devil.

My new French friend and I held each other sobbing, I remembered my mother and wished I had listened to her and stayed in Lagos. And this was just my first night!!! They found the girl still lying where she had fainted, story around school was that the headless man was pushing a wheel barrow towards her, presumably to push her away for dinner.
That night I cried till I had a severe case of hiccups.

Today

Lying down there eyes shut tight, part of my bed sheet in my mouth to stop me from screaming from the sounds of the night i.e. the crickets, little fluffy creatures and all the demons just waiting for me to open my eyes so they could take me with them.

Something touched my body and I bite hard into the bed sheet before I realised the mosquito net must have come loose and was swaying with the wind.

Then I felt the urine trickle down my body, I knew I had two minutes before she woke up screaming at the fact that her American school daughter had just peed from the top bunk….With her underneath.

That was just the beginning!!!

First contribution

2009-05-07T09:03:00.000+01:00

My write up this week is on The African Women.
But I promise to post something here on Monday…Cross my heart!!!

The Swine Flu , a book tour and a magazine

2009-05-01T09:00:00.004+01:00

I can't remember what I was going to write about but mehhnn home girl is scared to death of this swine flu oh..Might be a perfect time to relocate to Africa, after all none has been spotted there!!!

I am sure 2 weeks ago, you all would have been awwwwwing and ahhhhing over this picture....I personally haven't been able to stop laughing at it.

Isn't my title just the bomb???
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9 WRITERS, 4 CITIES: THE BOOK TOUR

From May 2^nd to Saturday June 6^th 2009, nine Nigerian writers will embark on a book tour to 4 cities across Nigeria. The event is themed 9 Writers, 4 Cities: The Book Tour, and it is a series of book readings, book signings and discussions. Each event will be recorded and made available for download online. The series of weekend readings will hold in Benin, Ibadan, Lagos and Warri. The first event, which is to be hosted by Writers Anonymous at the African Artists Foundation in Lagos, will be followed by a ‘Book Party’.

The participating writers are: Odia Ofeimun (poet and author of The Poet Lied), Toni Kan (author of Nights of a Creaking Bed), Lindsay Barrett (journalist, poet and author of several books, including Song for Mumu), Jumoke Verissimo (author of I am Memory), Tade Ipadeola (a lawyer and author of the poetry collection A Sign of Times), Joy Isi Bewaji (author of Eko Dialogue), Eghosa Imasuen ( medical doctor and author of To Saint Patrick), A. Igoni Barrett (managing editor of Farafina magazine and author of From Caves of Rotten Teeth) and Bimbo Adelakun ( journalist and author of Under the Brown Rusted Roofs).

The series of events will take place at the following places:

Ø Lagos: Saturday, 2^nd May, 2009 at the African Artists Foundation, No 54, Raymond Njoku Street, Ikoyi, Lagos

Ø Lagos: Sunday, 17th May at The Palms Shopping Mall, Lekki Express Way, Lekki

Ø Lagos: Saturday 6th June, 2009 at the African Artists Foundation, No 54, Raymond Njoku Street, Ikoyi, Lagos

The 6-week tour will be reported on the Farafina magazine blog, The Farafinist. Audio and video recordings of each reading will also be placed on the Switched On website as podcasts. Dada Books, Daylight Media and Auggust Media are also media partners in this project.

The dates and venues of the Benin, Warri and Ibadan events will be sent out soon.

For further information, please call 07061141232, email auggustmedia@gmail.com

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In other news...Our very own Parakeet has finally decided to go somewhere in line with one of her degrees...Yes, the girl get plenty!! She is a graduate of media advertising and has started an online magazine...That means she is now a journalist which in turn means you all have to invite her to places so she can cover events...I shall be tagging along to hold the camera and flirt of course.. Check her out so you can say you knew her them days when she went clubbing every weekend!!!

Click here to go to SCOOPSNAIJA!!!

Here and now

2009-04-20T09:00:00.005+01:00

I was going to wait till I lost weight to be happy.

I was going to wait for the perfect toe curling shag to be happy.

I was going to wait till I met the man of my dreams to be happy.

I was going to wait till I became a millionaire with a massive house filled with house helps to be happy.

I was going to wait to get that perfect job to be happy.

I was going to wait I got married to be happy.

I was going to wait till I have a baby to be happy.

But I suddenly realised I hold my happiness in my hands and determine when I want to be happy, so I decide to be happy now. I decide to hang out with friends and have a good laugh now. I decide to go to the cinema on my own, go dancing and go for walks. I decide to be happy, how about you?

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In the spirit of being happy I went out on Easter Sunday...with fellow London bloggers. NO, Roc wasn't there though after a few drinks I swear I saw him and Baroque or what my drunken randy self thinks they would look like!!!

I had the most amazing time ever...(Remove that thing from your mouth so you don't choke from jealousy.) First Jarrai now known as Wordmerchant and I met up for lunch at Shona's...We were meant to go clubbing that night but the little *"ashewo" (Wordmerchant) decided to follow man instead...We had one of those times you all leave there with a cough from all the laughter...The only hitch was when I was looking for the stairs to Shona's..Was already declaring I would give up drinking when Shona told me the stairs were removed...I kept telling Wordmerchant that last time I was here the stairs were here…I bet she was saying yeah right in her mind…Didn’t help that I was sounding unsure myself considering the fact that I have been to Shona’s at least 4 times!!

Then Shona, her lovely french friend and I met up with Funms (who was in town) and Parakeet and danced the night away. We even managed to stay sober. I should take a leaf from Parakeet's page, she just had a glass of pinneapple thingie and danced like she had three shots in her...while the rest of us alcoholics went the wine way and tried not to misbehave too much...Ok, I ended up dancing on the chair but at least I didn't fall off.

SO, no doubt by now you have heard about the African women blog which I am proud to belong to...and added it to your blogroll or maybe not...lol..

Ok, add us now...I promise it's going to be worth your time. We are nine crazy women. Sexy/sassy me, Shona, vera,Buttercup,Tigress,Temite, Ms Sula,Goodnaijagirl and Wordsmith. The girls have already put up a controversial topic plus we get to hear Vera's voice on her new audio post..

You are wondering what advice I have to give?
I am there to create the balance, we can't all be goody two shoes..

I am there to tell you to slap your husband back if he hits you or to get some area boys to do it if you are to fragile! I dont support you leaving your marriage because he beat you up but I do support tit for tat...Just tell the area boys to avoid the "goodies"!!! Oh shit I have just given the game away...but many more where that came from...Will aslo be talking to you innocents about how to deal with the likes of the blogville bad boys...Bad boys, you know your selves...

What are you stil waiting for? Go straight to African women!!

Guess which really endowed blogger's ass this is.....I promise my writing mojo will be fully back by the end of the week…Thanks for checking on me guys.

*Ashewo = slut!!!

Scamming the Scammer

2009-04-01T00:12:00.003+01:00

My birthday.
I thank God for another year.
I pray this year brings all my dreams to life.

Happy birthday to me...I want a fine ass brother as present!

Was told the only people that can't be fooled are people born on April fools day.

I am meant to do a honest thingy post cos I got and accepted the award from Tigress but I am too happy to do it now. Ok, actually too drunk, we started early.

Instead I will tell you about a time when I almost got scammed, the only reason I escaped it was because the scammer mentioned church. He should have stuck to worldly promises...Like getting me a rich husband that would carry me round the world!

No, not that church cleared my eyes....Church made me loose interest in the scam.

It was early morning, I was sent to buy bread for breakfast. Met some men dressed in suits, in a not very great looking car. They said they came from America to minister in Nigeria and couldn't find the location of the church, didn't know the church, next second another guy stopped and exclaimed that he had seen them on tv and told them where the church was. Then told me they were great men of God who heal and perform miracles. They said they wanted to pray for us for assisting them but knew I would be embarrased to kneel on the road, the passing man said he knew a place. I said I would prefer something like a present, they looked at me with shock. I waited for the present. They told me I needed prayers more cos my father's people were trying to kill me and I was meant to die in 7 days time. I told them to wait let me call my daddy, he needed to hear about his people. As soon as I turned the passing man jumped into the car and they sped off.

I should have waited to become sober before writing this post but it's still my birthday so I can write anyhow I please. I just thank God I am not any drunker else I would have been writing about my favorite sexual positions.....hmmmm maybe the next post!!!

The picture has nothing to do with the post but then when have they ever matched?

My Boss

2009-03-24T09:40:00.006Z

This must be the first time in history that I am posting on two consecutive days. You all know how lazy I am about updating. Yes it's a special occasion… No I'm not getting married!!! yet.

This week I am celebrating with Jide Salu. A man who decided home was best and just packed his wife and children off…BTW if I was his daughter I would have hid till they left…ehem back to good girl mode. Jide is a man I greatly admire, his writings about life in Nigeria has seriously influenced me into making decisions I have put on hold for too long.

Please take time out to appreciate this man. Babajide Salu

In honor of this celebration I am writing a child friendly post…see? One step closer to most intellectual blogger!

Customer service….

Customer service is a department I would never advise for my worst enemies. It’s horrible, so in order to maintain your sanity you have to come up with mischief that will keep you and your team mates entertained…

Our favourite past time was stressing our supervisor. Now the supervisor in question was one of a kind. She didn’t know Jack about the products or services we had on offer. She spent all day on the phone speaking Yoruba and connecting family and friends in foreign countries to those in Nigeria (Telecoms firm).

When she yelled at us for being rude to the customers on phone we would all withhold our weekly reports. She needed this reports for the management meetings and since she never knew what was going on, she needed it more than the other supervisors.

Well we went one step further in planning how to terrorise her and keep her shut for 2 months at least.

We decided to put jazz/juju/voodoo/black magic on her car. We planned it at length, we assigned people to various parts of the plan! We were going to pour some palm oil into an empty brown cough bottle, tie a feather to it with a red rope and pour some chicken blood on the bonnet of the car. Though we never ended up doing it because she lost someone and we all rallied round in support (kind of surprised us how much we liked her at her point of need), we had many great lunches planning this affair. We laughed so much our belies hurt, our laughter made her nicer because she knew we were up to something.

See? Nothing naughty...Kids, dont scroll down!!!

My direct web add is http://afroliciousbabe.com/

Vera's church is laughing in Ibo!!!

2009-03-23T07:20:00.010Z

I won, I won, I won an award....Best visuals...lmao..glad to know you all appreciate the educative pictures!!!

Now let's try and win most intellectual next year.....YES WE CAN!!!

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I must say I fell in love with ex president Olusegun Obasanjo when I heard him on straight talk. I don't dabble in politics, I usually don't even know who is head of what. I leave it to the hard core naija news veterans like Solomonsydelle and Waffarian but I must say Obj did not allow himself be insulted by those yeye people who are also in a recession, what right have they to question how we do ours? At least when he was in power we knew where he was and what he was doing. We had introduced policies to argue about, right now I dodn't even know where our current presido is or what his targets are.

Ok, that was all I understood by that interview!!!

Back to the Afrobabe you know.

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This morning I went over to Vera's to follow her laugh in ibo and met an outrage instead. You can't kiss!!

Yes, you read right, some church she went to say's you cant kiss as it will lead to boob squeezing and co...Ok they didn't quiet put it that way but we all know how it goes.

You can't kiss because it's a sin...Wharraheck??? I think it's end time interpretations. She went on to say they said...hehhehehe...(Them say them say)That oral sex between married people, not one single person and one married person oh (As is usually the case when wifey refuses to soil her lips which leads to huby going to the dark side to get his errrrm soiled by some cute chic who looks forward to the soiling and makes him feel like his thing is the biggest she has ever seen in her life and......No, I am not talking from experience, Writefreak chill! ) but a couple as in oral sex between People that married each other, is a sin, a perversion. haba. This is the kind of preaching that reduces church members!!!

But all this talk about oral sex brings an extremely important question to mind and I throw it to you smart ones.

I heard in the news (so it can't be a lie) that there are a billion more germs in the mouth than the couchie and bombom (for the razz ones nyash).Doctors in the house Bumight, Padosh (who is now Phonoenix)and Mizchif please confirm.

What does this mean people? Is it more hygenic to get down orally than to kiss? Maybe that church Vera went to has a point....well half a point...

My take (on health grounds of course) is that we should do more orals!!! What do you make of that research ?
This is hermes, a roman god....some writings say he was a messenger, some say he was the god of fertility. I think he definately looked fertile!

Nigerian Roots

2009-03-17T09:49:00.004Z

There are things that make me realise that it doesn’t matter how far I travel from Nigeria, I am still Nigerian.

1. I move quicker/faster when I see a trailer. This is because at the time I left Naija even parked trailers were having brake failure.

2. I find it embarrassing to pay with coins especially if the coins are lower than 50p. I remember carrying a whole jar of saved coins (from 20p to 1p) to a shop to buy food stuff. (Cooked a whole pot of soup from that jar and the jar was still half full) The shopkeeper couldn’t keep the shock out of his eyes…lmao…he moved me to one section of the till and we counted till we got the required £25.

3. It doesn’t matter how much tomatoes I have, I always rinse the blender with a little water and pour it in with the rest.

4. I become weary whenever I see a bunch of leaves or a block because I always expect to see snakes strolling under and no amount of “snakes don’t live in cold weather” has been able to help. If snakes don’t live in cld weather why do they stay under leaves and block to get away from the heat?

5. I can’t eat eba/amala/pounded yam with cutlery. It just tastes better with the hand.

6. It doesn’t matter how cute a guy is, my second thought will always be what does he do for a living and can he take care of me? If he isn’t working at the moment does he have prospects?

7. Despite the fact that I am neither Yoruba or ibo, my exclamations are always abi,biko and shebi…even when talking to foreigners.

What reminds you of your roots?

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You know how they say you can tell a chief wanker (male masturbators) by the size of his hands? As in, the wanking hand will be bigger and more developed.

Ok, so you probably hadn't heard…But believe me it’s a very important lesson.

Well I am scared my one hand will soon be bigger than the other, get your mind out of the gutter….because I use one hand to move the computer mouse all day and all the other hand does is type one alphabet at a time while I pretend to know how to type with both hands.

What's the solution?? Learn how to type properly or wank with the other hand so it can meet up?

Kini Big Deal?

2009-03-04T10:47:00.002Z

I am keeping true my promise of updating frequently so I can win that award!

I have decided to go back to being a bad girl..Yes, denial is a bitch...I just realised I am a bad girl, full stop!Will continue to have fun and be happy till I meet the one that makes me change my mind...nonsense, being a good girl is too darn boring not to talk of lonely and depressing...Wouldn't survive a whole year of it.

Hmmm people I just discovered something but I am sure everyone else reading this post realised long ago...well don't blame me for being slow all this while...For every man you shag you have cancelled a whole community of eligible husbands....his brothers, cousins, uncles, friends and even his enemies...darn...that’s a whole lot of men to miss out on. A whole local govt area of men!

See why "some" people follow foreigners?

So Tigress wrote a post on marriage, basically the assumption is you are spiritually married to any man or woman you have slept with and will need a divorce from them in other to move on.

Thank God I am a virgin oh!
What was that? No? Can you prove otherwise? Didn't think so!

Is there any Hausa girl on ground? Not sure Anonymous gal will know about this. Please send me the price of that virginity herb...I need a dozen asap...FOR A FRIEND!!!

Actually it's for Vera...lmao.

Watched a movie called missing angel on youtube. (Sue me) Basically it’s about a girl who fell in love with an angel of death who came for her life (long story) anyway what struck me about the movie was the girl’s friend who was there through thick and thin…even stayed with her in church when it looked like she was running mad… There was a section where the pastor asked her if she had sex with the demon and she said yes...lmao...And when her friend exclaimed she said "but I didn't know he was devil now".

Made me appreciate the friends I have had the fortune to make over the years…I can count at least 4 friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin, even when it seems I am self centred and only concerned about my own issues they have stayed. I can even imagine them laughing in church if pastor asked me that question and I said yes….lmao…you know you would laugh too…. That's why you all are my friends.

Kai, first you are not meant to fornicate then you go all out to fornicate with the devil, your only answer would be…"but I didn’t know he was the devil now"…yes but sister Afro you weren’t meant to fornicate in the first place...

kini big deal with fornication sef…see as the name long..

Sorry if I have spoilt the movie for those of u who haven’t seen it but it’s a naija movie and at some point gets very naija movish!

Speaking on home movies any one who has watched "Letters to a stranger" will understand my need to meet that actor called Yemi Blacq...Emeka, I think I need your help here. Please tell him I will do anything, anything at all...

I just want to hear him say over and over and over..

Afrobabe I send you die!

PS: If I win an award I will partially unveil myself......Deal? Oya go to and vote for me...Forget vera! Naija Blogger Awards

Japanese Festival of the steel phallus!
A shrine in Kawasaki, Japan called the Kanamara Shrine. Men and women pray for fertility and against the epidemic of syphilis and other diseases.

Can't think of a title.

2009-02-24T12:20:00.008Z

First, the answers to the questions on the last post.

Ex and I really did break up but he was very very sorry about the pregnancy issue, so sorry that I decided to milk it.so each time I was broke I would pick his calls and he would give me money. We remained friends with no benefits and only saw each other at the money collecting ceremony but spoke on phone every other day.

The day I babysat for him was the first day I met the kid though I have seen pictures of him. Ex cannot deny the baby cos the kid is a complete replica of him. why his hair is made, I cannot say...must be a Trinidad thing as both ex and baby mama are from Trinidad and Tobago.

As for if he was really working....don't really care if he was out shagging....I don't feel anything for him anymore. Truth is I met him the 2nd week I relocated to the UK and he really helped me, amongst other things he paid my rent for 3 months till I found my feet and that is something I will always be grateful to him for.

My Tanzanian..I miss him so much...even with his bad english ie this mail he sent me since I haven't been picking his calls..."hi what s matter now you dont reply.. you dont connect, u cant even send me my own pictures... that s is very funny...... tell me what happening .. just hope you got not problem , you r just happy.. take care bye"
Secret Diary is right about his looks, he has Fulani features, unfortunately I had not gotten to know the bottom section...why oh why did he have to be a suspected terrorist, couldn't he just stick to the usual crimes like not paying taxes and getting caught with false documents??

As for my anger at men, cooking was just an exapmle..I AM A BENUE GIRL...I CAN HAVE YOU LICK YOUR PLATE ANY DAY ANY TIME....FFF no try me oh!

******************************************************

Growing up I had a lot of beatings...Too numerous to be mentioned. My parents didn't believe in beatings but made exceptions for special occasions and there were many exceptions for me. One of those exceptions come to mind.

My mum bought this iron comb at some point, the aim of the comb was to make our hair softer for plaits. I hated making my hair cos it really hurt and secondly the women who made the hair would shove ur face into their smelly va jay jays...

Well mum went out and asked us to loosen our plaits and wash the hair so she could use the comb when she got back from the market.

I somehow convinced my sister to sit so I could do it for her....The poor girl trustingly came...You should have seen the effizy ( plenty show...hmm not sure of the meaning of effizy sef) that followed the hair making, sat her down put a wrapper round her neck, brought out all the hair creams and stuff and put the comb on the cooker....I waited a reasonable time and took the comb out and combed the middle part of the hair....that whole section came off with the comb and there was a strong smell of roasting goat everywhere. My sis asked if her hair was burnt and I said no...I was in shock...I told her it would be better to wait for mum's return for the hair do....I combed her hair with normal comb and packed t for her...

Unfortunately my mum discovered it when she wanted to make her hair...Well actually at first she thought witches had cut off my sisters hair for rituals but she soon discovered I was the witch...

The beating that I received can only be imagined and not explained or described!

ps...All beatings were the jurisdiction of my Papa..mama only did the reporting or shoe throwing which had the tendency of hitting your head or vajayjay if it was thrown for improper sitting!.

pps....my sis did not go scot free as she was given a skin cut so the hair could regrow. I think she still hates me.

ppps.....I am realllllllly excited abot the awards thing going on, hence my quick update..I want to win the most frequent blogger category! Click here to start voting.

pppps: whats the meaning of PS?

Of babies and angry women.

2009-02-19T14:36:00.011Z

Valentine day has come and gone…Thank God, next year will be better! You won’t believe how I spent mine…Spent it babysitting for an ex, yep…you read that right…I baby sat for an ex…the baby in question being the cause of our break up…The idiot got some girl pregnant. Well you know how they do it here, carrying belle is not equal to marriage so he has custody of the kid on weekends but he had to work on val's day. And since I still collect alimony from him for breaking my heart I had to deliver…The baby is sooooo cute, to think he could have been mine, oh well…I tell you I was scared shitless at the prospect of babysitting, can’t remember the last time I was with tiny people for more than 2 minutes and the thought of taking care of him the whole day scared me…what if he had a fit and died? What if he hates me? What if he starts screaming for his mama? What if he chokes? what if he pooped on himself or on the floor? yuck.

The list of what ifs was endless but we had a good time, the only way to make him stay one place was to take pictures of him…Boy can he show off,the little poser would strick a pose and yell for my attention then run over to see the picture after the flash goes off….

He cried when I left…I felt a little teary eyed too..Here are some pictures of the little cutie who keeps reminding me he will be 3 next week…I WANT ONE TOO…
He climbed there himself then screamed pishure! He even knows how to do the pretend sleep pose..
Doing one of those faces boys do when they know girls are going awwwww about them.

I recently met this great looking guy. Very good looking, nice height and easy smile. First I didn’t want to date him cos his English is not kosher…but I explained that away by the fact that he is Tanzanian and English is not their language, yet I wouldn’t waste a second considering a Nigerian guy who mixes his tenses. Then I excused the fact that he had two kids from one woman and didn’t marry their mama. She must have been a bitch right?

But mennnn when the guy invited me for a valentine dinner at his place and said had had cooked a nice meal not because it was romantic but because he couldn’t do dinner outside as he was on police curfew I woke up sharpish….Curfew for what? He casually tells me it is pure racism, yeah but what are you being accused of because I am also black and not on curfew…he tells me the UK police are accusing him of being a terror suspect.

TERRORISM 59!!!

Right now I am close…very close….extremely close to changing my number. Thank God he doesn’t know my place! Terrorism keh, you want them to lock me up and throw the keys away? He asked me if I think he was guilty would they leave him here with the ability to just bail from the country and that it is because he is friends with the shepherd bush bomber….Not “was” friends but “is” friends oh… Now I feel like the M15 is after me. You should have seen how many buses I jumped into that night just to loose them!

So, recently I have come to realise that I have been acting like an angry black woman. A guy I met asked me why I was so quick to distrust, quick to get upset and quick to say "stop calling me". I don’t know when I became like this. I didn't even know I had become like this. I once loved unreservedly so what happened? I haven’t even had that many bad relationship experiences, the guys I went out with definitely had it worse. When did I become so bitter at men? All I seem to want them for is sex….yeah I still like sex but they just piss me off… I no longer know how to behave with a guy…or what to say for that matter. My friend says that cos I am neither a bad girl nor a good girl. I can’t seem to push myself to be a full bad girl and don’t seem to know how to be a good one. And don’t tell me to be myself cos I don’t know who I am.

I gats be a good girl men…I gats learn how to cook him his vegetable soup without telling him to cook his own dammm soup.

HELP!!!

For God or for Church?

2009-02-03T10:15:00.005Z

I felt a need to get closer to God, a need to learn scriptures and be able to quote them. A need to ask for divine intervention in my life, my decisions and my future plans, a guide to knowing if a particular somebody was the one for me despite him being 40% of what I want.

This need for guidance made me drop a prayer request in church, I was troubled and didn't know my left from my right anymore. The church stepped in...All they did was come and visit me and tell me to let God lead me...Which was the problem in the first place, how do I know it is God leading me and not my very own selfish needs that I was running from? they said sister pray (I could have given myself that same counsel), I had prayed and almost fasted...almost in that I would forget I was fasting and pop a chocolate but I don’t see anywhere in the bible that says God will hold one little chocolate against me...so I will change that to...I fasted...

Still yet I was confused and still had no sense of direction. They said start believers classes, I agreed because it solved the scripture learning problem and to my credit I can quote 2 scriptures now. But this means I have to be in church on Sunday from 9am to 2pm because the first service is used for believer’s class and you then proceed to the second service.

Then they said you MUST join a department in church, this also felt good...I would get to contribute so I chose the publications department, unbeknownst to me the publication department was in serious need of members. First meeting I was given an article to write, something on Gang culture and relate it to the dress sense of our Christian youths, easy enough I thought until it came down to actually writing it, I suddenly came to a realization that there was a difference between putting down the words in my head which is usually TOTAL FUCKERY and an intelligent article that has to have that balance between plenty truth and an accusation, after all the purpose was not to chase out our youths from church. I disturbed Parakeet till she wrote it, my only contribution to the article being one sentence... (Those trousers hanging down your bottom) not even a complete sentence...let's say a sentence within a sentence.

Then the pastor called me...which made me feel important, like the little sheep they left the whole herd to go find. He said sister you need to come for mid week service as it prepares you for battle against the devil, I started the mid week service....I absolutely refused to go for the Friday prayers as I felt this was a bit much. By this time I had become known to a lot of elders who would proceed to call me to say they didn’t see me in church.

Now there is a programme going on in church, an eight day programme, I am meant to be in church every day of those eight days covering events, when I joined the publications department I didn’t claim to be a journalist.

Yesterday it snowed badly and there was no transportation, on a normal day I wouldn’t even bother getting out of bed, on this day the church sent me 6 text messages saying Brethren the devil is against us…No, I think it’s a snow storm!
They offered to come pick people up to church. I didn't go and when they came to pick me up I switched off my lights and phone!

My room mate is a member of the church, she is in the choir and practically lives in church, I initially thought it was just her being a goody two shoes.

Now they ask her where I am and why I wasn’t in church…
I don’t feel any closer to God, maybe closer to the church but that was never my plan.I suddenly find myself not knowing who I am anymore. I am loosing my identity, I feel used but not by God!

And if anyone calls me sister one more time I will burst a vein.

I miss my former life, peaceful nice with one Sunday service whenever the mood hits me. I feel guilt tripped into being a part of the church. How do I gracefully bow out?

Spam mail

2009-01-20T09:25:00.006Z

I was complaining to a friend about the kind of embarrassing spam mails I get when she shut me up with the fact that people normally get spam from sites they visit.

But where in heaven’s name would I have gone to, to get about 20 spam mails a day all advising on how my man can get a stronger, longer lasting erection, a bigger thing and styles he could learn. The worse part of these mails is that they seem to know I am female so where ever I went I must have spent time there ticking sex and probably location…

More on spam mail, I seem to have stopped winning lotteries… I have in the past won every lottery except for the Obama one and that’s just because there isn’t one yet. I have won the Abacha foundation lottery, Babangida lottery, Obasanjo lottery and the NNPC one. I have received mails from presidents of banks. Then suddenly it all stops….hmmm my enemies are after my destined wealth!!!

Now to the main errrm post…

The winter is here!!!!
The trains, buses and tubes are full of sneezing, coughing and miserable looking people…And is it my imagination or do the kids in public transport seem even more unruly than usual?

A family got on the bus the other day and their 3 little kids decided to sit on the “one” empty seat beside me, they couldn’t sit still, they kept wiggling like worms and giggling… I saw the naughtiest one’s grubby hands coming my way and wondered if I could get away with pinching him, (I can feel all the mothers in the house frowning, cool down those little devils couldn’t have been yours…lol) but you know this “abroad” children will yell and say the wicked lady pinched me…and me, I am not ready to get arrested for a “pinching of a minor” offense.

Then I got to the hospital for check up and as usual there are kids running around the whole place. This woman comes in with a buggy that had twins in it. One of them was crying and screaming and yelling and generally making every single babe reconsider having kids but both the mother of the kids and the other twin ignored the crying one. I sat waiting for someone to tell her to shut the F-ing kid up but guess they were all minding their business….

Then suddenly a hero stands up and walks up to the woman…..a 3 year old kid and yelled…YOUR BABY IS CRYING!!!!

Lmao..I still laugh remembering her little face looking all upset and the strength she used in uttering the words.

Yipppeeeeee The crazy vivacious Padosh is back!

One of my fav young male bloggers Pinky and The Brain is also back.

Na Yam?

Celebrity

2009-01-08T12:16:00.006Z

Yipeeeee I am now a celebrity...

Yes I was interviewed by the great Standtall, if that does't make me a celebrity show me your own interview...mchhheeeeeewww..

Afo is a celebrity...chei I just had an unpleasant thought, if there was a hidden camera here I would like look one of those cheap celebritys that are always shown drunk orjust messed up...

The Photo caption would read....AFRO HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY!!!..

She called me articulate so guess that means I have to stop writing pidgin english???

Lol....The interview that makes me a celeb is here.

Happy 2009

2009-01-01T14:36:00.006Z

Happy New Year to you all.

May you experience Joy that makes you cry, News that makes you dance, Miracles that keep you dumbfounded, Success you don't merit and peace so profound you wonder if it was you that had that troubled past.

May the year bring good health, success (I know I have mentioned it twice, but bear with me cos I am broke) and prosperity. May we receive mercy from God inorder to receive favor in the eyes of man. May our disadvantages be our point of blessing.

May we multiply in all we do and may we have a positive influence in the lives of strangers....

You really were waiting for something naughty at the end weren't you???

Ok, A little not to naughty joke I found on some site written by John McElveen.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) noun.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) noun.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) noun.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) noun.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) noun.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve..
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) noun.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Hey, I tried but old habbits are hard to shed!!!

Merry Christmas Blogville

2008-12-24T10:52:00.007Z

Merry Christmas every body, Have fun and stay out of trouble....(This year I mean it).

Live life as you can only die once....drink and shag with care...Don't shag anyone you wouldn't shag if you were sober.

And...shit, I'm not good at this advice thingy...

Hope you like the Christmas meal I put ot for you....

Making a serious effort to remember it's "Merry Christmas" and not "Happy Birthday"!!! Happens every year.

Merry Christmas........Love you all!!!

Going Down South

2008-12-17T11:04:00.001Z

Ladies: When a guy goes down on you, do you still let him kiss you?

Guys: When you go down on a woman how do you feel kissing her? ( Please don't lie that about going down...I know you do!!!!)

Yes, it's an update!!!

On Being A Benue Girl.

2008-12-09T17:52:00.003Z

We have all had our experience with annoying stereotyping regarding where we come from. Nigerians as a whole have suffered one or the other form of stereotyping while dealing with people from other countries but even in Nigeria we suffer it based on state of origin.

I am sure the Yoruba girls in here have been questioned about hygiene, the Ibo girls about their love of money, the Hausa girls about F**king behind the veils (actually I am not sure of what Hausa girls are accused of) and the Calabar girls about cooking and sex, Urhobo girls have been accused of being trickish, Benin girls outside the country are assumed to be prostituting, Rivers girls (even if you just live there) are accused of sleeping with anything that mentions oil....and so on...feel free to add the rest.

Being a Benue girl has been an adventure in every form.

When I meet Nigerian guys the conversation usually zooms in on my state of origin. A guy asks me where I come from and I reply (Trying to sound sexy but sounding like I am recovering from a cough) that I am from Benue state.....Next thing he is looking all disbelieving like his dreams are about to come true then he asks the question I know he is going to ask.

In my mind I will him to be different, I will him to not ask it but they all fall....

They ask...

The question...

“IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BENUE GIRLS?”

I feign ignorance and ask what they say.

The answers never surprise me....

“I HEARD BENUE GIRLS ARE KILLERS IN BED”

“I HEARD NEXT TO CALABAR GIRLS, GIRLS FROM YOUR PLACE ARE TOP”

"I HEARD WHEN YOU VISIT BENUE THEY GIVE YOU THEIR WIFE FOR THE NIGHT". (I have no idea where that particular rumour came from).

My answer varies, depending on my mood and if I dig the asker, askee, questioner.

It could be any of the following:

“Yes, too bad you won’t be finding out”

“Too bad they don’t say the same thing about guys from your place”

“Only one way to find out” (I think guys love this one).

I am a Benue girl....Intelligent, sassy, free spirited, well spoken, Successful (Actually dirt broke right now), beautiful and well endowed (Back and front). Do I like sex? errrrm maybe......But all the same look at all that before you put me in a category.

Isn't it strange knowing a guy is thinking of doing you in every known way just because of where you come from?

Being stereotyped can be very annoying...

That said, I don’t think my blog helps my cause as it shows how sexed up my brain is so I will look for another stereotype to discredit!

CHANGE

2008-11-28T17:16:00.003Z

When one changes partners (new man, babe, transverstite) do you throw the former lubricator (KY jelly) away or get a new one?

Just wondering if it makes the new partner imagine how much sex you must have had to have used that much lubricator!!!

Laziness

2008-09-24T15:17:00.007+01:00

Nice Statue, wish it was in my garden....(When I have a garden).Nice Trees, will personally grow them in my garden.Lovely pets for my family.
Errrrmmmm, Looks like something they pray to? Can't say I blame them. LMAO

You can't accuse me of not updating!!!!

I promise to reply all comments on this post!!!

And She Went To Church....

2008-09-18T11:21:00.005+01:00

Writing about Gbenga seems to have thrown me into a depression... I have been unable to write or even read blogs since then.

So last week I decided to go to church...well ok it wasn’t a decision as such...more like Parakeet dragged me to her church.

The church is called Glory House and is situated in east London. I instantly fell in love with the place when I saw all them trendy young people... I felt like I had just walked into a T.M Lewin/Hawes and Curtis convention or a young bankers association.

The pastor made me feel like it was a comedy show more than church, no boring moment, no sleepy moment as you didn’t want to miss the joke.

Since I was a kid, when I am extremely happy and lying down I put my chin on both my hands and just grin, a large sheepish grin. Most times people ask what I have done now.

So I went back last night for the mid week service and got carried away during praise and worship, eyes closed and hands raised I sang from the bottom of my heart praising Him then a picture suddenly came to my head.

God grinning!!

God grinning with His face in His hands, grinning at naughty Afrobabe praising Him with all her heart. The image was so strong I stopped abruptly and sat down. Then I grinned, I couldn’t stop the large smile plastered on my face. In the midst of people who were praising God and some crying I was grinning. I looked up and saw myself on the screen, looking like someone high on something, my eyes looked glazed and my smile seemed plastered but I couldn’t stop grinning.

My very own Jesus experience!!!

And that was how Afro got her smile back, wonder if I have to continue going now that I am healed....

Ok, I will put up a proper update very soon...

Full Circle : The past 1

2008-09-08T11:54:00.003+01:00

I have come full circle.

Relationships wise I mean. The men I collected during the last rain were all rubbish.

Incidents that happened to me years ago are happening again. How can one person attract the same kind of incidents twice in a life time?

I am taking you to some years back in my life, during my national youth service.

That was when I met Fluffycutething. In fact I blame her for the whole thing. Read and tell me who you blame.

This story is about is Gbenga, Gbenga is a story that has been begging to be told, a story I am at last ready to tell.

I was posted to Minna in Niger state for service, I didn’t like the place but refused to redeploy because I would have had to stay in Lagos with my parents. I wanted to be so far away that the thought of the long journey would discourage any visits. So I remained in Minna despite the fact that most of my friends redeployed.

After camp the only other person I knew in Niger state was Fluffycutething and we discovered we lived 10 minutes from each other in Lagos. I was the only female corper posted to my ministry so I got a whole furnished flat to myself....opposite a grave yard!

When Fluffy (this name will get shorter and shorter before the end of the story) offered to stay with me I almost kissed her. You won’t know the fear that comes with seeing rows and rows of white slabs and knowing dead people are under.

I was sick every other day in Minna, the heat made me sick, the lack of moisture in the air made me sick, the food made me sick...It was on one of those days when I was so sick I just wanted to go back to Lagos (yes the same Lagos I ran from) that Fluf (told you it would get shorter) showed up with this huge, good looking guy. I knew who he was, I had seen him around camp but had never spoken with him. I also knew he was the head of a cult...Buccaneers (fine boys) which was why I stayed away from him in camp.

I was seating outside really sick, I had just thrown up. I was looking my absolute worst...Hair all tangled up, chapped lips, no make up and heat that makes your skin burn without sweating. He walked up to me and asked me if I was ok, walked into the house and got some water which he poured on my head and washed my face. He came back alone the following day with some glucose, lucozade ribena and ish...

When he asked me to date him I could not say no, it had to be real love, what other man would see you looking worse than a street urchin and still want you?

The issues started gradually, I didn’t notice them or maybe I should have known when he told me with glee that his dad beat up his mum till her tooth came off to teach her a lesson. The reason: she was too mouthy. I did wonder briefly what kind of grown up man stood and watched his father beat his mother.Or maybe I should have known when he talked about beating people senseless during initiations and how he was known as the deadly one. Or maybe I should have known when he got drunk and destroyed his cousin’s pharmacy. Or maybe I should have known when my friends stopped coming to see me just because he was around. Or maybe I should have known when he would yell at me for answering a guy asking for directions. Then again maybe I should have known each time he got drunk and raped me and didn’t remember anything about it the following morning.

Truth is I didn’t notice because he was always sweet and caring afterwards. He would cook and didn’t blink at washing my panties if he saw them in the bathroom. He would go to the market and get provisions, he would give me half of his meagre pay for house keeping.

We made marriage plans, thank God I didn’t tell my folks. We planned to live in the UK because he had a brother here. How can a man who baths you when your are ill not make a good husband? A man who worries when you don’t come back from the market in 15 minutes. A man who couldn’t stand other men looking at you. But those same things I loved about him were the things that made him a dangerous man to love.

The problem with my lover was that he drank. When he drank he turned into another person. He turned violent when he drank.

The post is too long already, will post it in 3 bits.

It's Raining Men...

2008-08-31T09:54:00.006+01:00

So many things to celebrate this weekend.
Let’s all wish Oluwadee a happy married life, we love you loads dear.

Today is princesa our very own blogsville's princess birthday. Happy birthday dear...We all wish you all the best in life...

********************************

I wish I had rashes on my ass!

You wonder why?

One of my longest periods of abstaining from sex was as a result of rashes in that region. I used every cream in the pharmacies but the silly thing wouldn’t go. It only went after I saw a doc. And it would have taken a massive scizzors to take my clothes off. Right now it’s raining men in my life, I think they can smell a single sister miles away. In order for this abstinence to work I need those rashes now!!!

As you all know last week was shonavixen’s birthday, she had a barbeque and yours truly was invited. I asked my cousin to take me, he agreed but I had a feeling he would abandon me there if he met a fine babe so I called this guy who had been asking me out for ages to meet me there. Now the scope with this guy is he saw me on facebook on our ex students group section and sent me an email asking what year I finished...We had talked for a while on phone but I wasn’t feeling him. So Now I decided to give him a chance, you know, relax the requirements a bit seeing as he was a benue boy. Hey, I was just trying to be patroitic ;)

On getting there I saw the finest set of African brothers....from all over. There were some Gambians, Zimbabweans and errrmmm I forget. Anyway I quickly decided to get me one of them...what to do to the one who was on his way? Easy....

I switched off my phone!!!

Had a good time with the brothers till I found out most had women and the one that wouldn’t let me be just wanted to shag a Nigerian girl to complete his marathon. Apparently he had slept with girls from all the other African countries except Nigeria...He said Nigerian girls look him up and down and ask him to go find his mates... I had a good laugh at that as it was so typically Nigerian but no way was I going to be the Nigerian that completed his marathon.

When I put my phone back on there were about 15 voice messages from him. The last one came an hour after he got to the station, he sounded really upset...Like I expected otherwise...lol...said thanks for embarrassing him in front of his friend (He came with a friend I did not invite). I actually felt bad, this is a new one cos my motto on men and relationships is "All is fair in love and war". And to make matters worse I didn't even score with any of the fine brothers there.

Got home and called him, I already had the perfect excuse and the perfect voice for it.
MY PHONE DIED!!! ( In a very sorry helpless damsel voice).

Yes he forgave me, met him the next day for the first time and dumped him, not my type!!!

A shout out to the beautiful Tamara with a gap tooth as wide as mine... Tamara declared she was a virgin at the bbq and I said me too...One of the gys replied saying he had never met a woman with a gap tooth who was still a virgin....made me wish I could prove him wrong...too bad!!!

ON RACISM

2008-08-25T10:00:00.001+01:00

I love my boobs being sucked!

No, It's not a sexual post

But you see I love my boobs being sucked!

I could cum having my boobs sucked!

It has always made me wonder how one feels when they are breast feeding a baby…

Same cumey feeling???

Hey chill, it's just a question.

Just trying to understand so I know if I should look forward to it.

I am still in a state of abstinence, shame on all of you that said I couldn’t do it…ONE WHOLE WEEK…I rock!!!

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As immigrants in New Jersey my sister and I were the only black kids in our school and everyone was curious and wanted to be friends with the African girls.

I remember an occasion where I met a kid at the playground, I had never seen him before, he just kept staring at me till I spoke to him. He asked if he could touch me, he touched me and looked at his hand then exclaimed with surprise that my color didn’t come off. He then asked me if we lived in trees in Africa.

He went down like a full sack at my punch.

I was defending Africa!!!

Parents of both parties were asked to come to school, the term racism was used, I didn’t understand it, all I knew was that he insulted me and I beat him up. He was made to apologise.

Fast forward several years.

A young lady in London, on my first trip outside the country alone and an adult. Standing at the bus stop I saw a white girl. I had white neighbors back home but I had never seen anyone so white in my life. She was paper white and looked translucent with extremely black hair, ultra high boots with spikes on them, lips and nails painted black. She had piercings all over her face and lips. She had on a black tee-shirt and jeans. The tee-shirt had the image of a skull on it. I couldn’t look away, I kept staring, fortunately it was a couple of years before all the street stabbings.

She said hi, I actually jumped, then replied. She told me her name was Amanda, I wondered how she could have such an ordinary name.I also wondered if I was the only one seeing her, maybe she was a ghost…she sure looked like someone from the Adams family.

She said she liked my necklace, I asked her what she did to make her skin so white, she laughed and asked if I wanted to feel her. I touched her…I expected her to be icy cold but she was as warm as I was.

Her bus came and we waved goodbye. Years later I still wish I got her number.

I later learnt she was/is a goth.

For the first time in my life I understood the question the little boy asked me. He wasn’t insulting me or being racist… Racism was an adult term to just wanting to know. He just wanted to know!

Amazing what you learn when you open your mind!

Happy Birthday Shonavixen, I had loads of fun....Love you girl...

An assistant

2008-08-18T10:40:00.001+01:00

So I have decided to abstain from sex till after marriage!

Stop laughing!!!

Hope the decision lasts more than a week this time cos my assistant looks dellllliciiioooooooooos!!
Which kind rubbish be this? Why is the boy so fine? Half dutch, half Jamaican and half something else. I wonder how much older than him I am cos I know I am definitely older. He better stop coming to sit close to me and ask questions or give funny jokes cos I can’t be held liable for whatever happens.

On my promotion pay increase wasn’t much but the title’s got me having orgasms.

Pressure has intensified on the settling down thing since my friend fluffycutething got married. Now my mum’s main topic is how is Fluffy and her hubby... I am in London, Fluffy and hubby are 10 minutes drive away from my mum... Wettin?

Ok back to my assistant.

The problem here is I trained him when he first started with the firm, I trained him for customer support then I moved from that department to Risk, we became friends and added each other on facebook.

Now, my life on blogsville is very close to my life on facebook…ie. Facebook status…Afro needs a lil something something!!

It doesn’t take a genius to know the something something Afro wants. Plus I have some errrm not very kosha pictures there.

OMG now he is asking what I am going to do all evening, he asked if I am going to sleep the flu away…Did he sound like he wanted sexual healing???

Errrrm maybe not….I think I am going nuts!!!

Now that I am his boss, not so sure he should remain on my friends list… How do I go about it? Only on Friday he told me the person I am on facebook is totally different from the person that I am at work. We cant have that oh.

While still on the case of FB, my former boss sent me an invite ages ago but I have ignored it since then. Do I accept him now that he is no longer my boss or all the more reason to not accept him since he doesn’t seem too pleased with my promotion and seems to want me to fail? He actually recommended they bring in an expert from outside to head the department.

How do I act with this friend/assistant of mine, we still chat and gossip about everyone in the office? He works really well though, gets everything sorted for me. What’s the way forward? Is this what my ex manager faced when he suddenly found himself my boss?

Managers in the house how did you deal with suddenly finding yourself boss over your gossip partners?

Emotions

2008-08-12T10:22:00.005+01:00

Standing at the checkout of the shop being attended to by the sales girl the tears just came pouring down. No notice, I didn't even know I was sad or was supposed to be cos I had just been happily chattering away on my mobile. I don't know who was more shocked between the sales girl and I. Had I suppressed the emotions so much that they would no longer be held at bay?
Why was it gushing out at this unlikely time and place. Told the girl I had eye problems...she looked at me with a been there done that look and said "Honey it will pass". I smiled but wondered in my heart if it would.

The following day at work I was on a wedding website and marveled at how happy the pictures of the couple's life together was and the tears came gushing out again... Should have just stuck to blogsville where everyone else seems to be suffering heartbreaks...I played up the "My eyes are messed up" card, Went to the toilet and sobbed my heart out...Hiccups and all...

In my pain and confusion I accepted a proposal, he started making plans maybe cos he knew I would likely have a change of mind...He was right...I woke up from my slumber and called it off.
Today I sat down and made some decisions...I will follow them through....I swear I will follow them through...

See my pain is not centred on any particular person...I am not heartbroken per say. Not the typical he broke my heart saga...more like a "I cant do this thing" kind of pain. How long will I not be able to do this thing? How long will I give reasons for not settling down....I thought I was happy now, seems I am not so happy but this fear of committing is not normal...My mum will soon go to the celestial churches for help at this rate...

I could happily be in a relationship for 2 years but feel choked and threatened when marriage comes into the picture...My parents are still together and are great friends...They gossip and go places together and I know its not for show...I hear them laughing late at night so where is this fear from?

My ex sent me a picture of his new arrival, another cute baby girl....yes I always knew he would give cute babies... I loved being with him, he was fun and we thought alike, would have been the "Lets go clubbing" kind of marriage...I didn't marry him cos I felt he was too short... Didn't tell him that though, he thought it was cos he had no money...

Another ex posted wedding pictures on FB...was happy for him...or so I thought...After all I had refused to marry him...The girl is as pretty as a warm day in UK...He looked so happy... I had liked being with him but didn't marry him cos I wasn't sure I would love him without all the fancy things...the cars , the drivers, the cooks....he had everything and spoilt me silly... Would have been the "Where in the world do you want to go on holiday" kind of marriage...What did I do in turn? I cheated on him with a friend of his friends...He forgave me and I cheated again with another... What was my issue? What was I looking for? Did I intentionally jinx it?

The girl I was and the woman I have become are so so different... Yet remained the same...How can you wake up one day and the things that seem important now appear empty yet the alternative seems equally empty?

I got promoted at work, my manager left for another department and since I am the only other person that knows the strings I got made manager, yet I don't feel the joy at such a feat...

I feel like I lost the plot somewhere along the way...

Empty, empty is what I feel.

Advantages and Disadvantages

2008-08-04T10:34:00.004+01:00

I am not used to being out of a relationship, I always seem to be dating someone, and sometimes my relationship ends because I didn't end one before starting another. My posts might get you confused, cos I might write today and talk about a boyfriend and write the next day saying I am not in a relationship...don't know if other girls have this roller coaster life as well...Don't worry, I’ll settle down one of these days!!!

But do you ever find yourself in an in-between position where someone is chasing you and you don’t want to end the chase by saying yes but at the same time you are horny as hell? What do you do in that situation….errrrrm not saying I find myself in that position right now.

Do you get in touch with an ex or just move forward with the chaser even if you are not yet sure you really want to date him?

A friend told me to always put down a list of advantages and disadvantages of doing stuff…so I put this up…still not sure where I swing though.

Advantages and Disadvantages of sleeping with an ex.

Advantages…

* You are not adding to the number...I mean if you have counted him as no 1004 on your shagged men list then you won’t feel bad that he is 1007, he remains 1004!
* You don’t have to be a good girl with him cos you really don’t care what he thinks.
* You know his shagging capabilities so no unpleasant surprises there or as Gnaija put it, he won’t be going to the moon alone.
* He knows which part of you needs attention the most.
* No time wasting, you both know what you are there for.

Disadvantages…

* HE is EX FOR A REASON!!!!Remember he cheated on you or wasn't responsible or something…
* You don’t have to act like you are in love and he walks on water...you already know he walks on bullshit!

Advantages and Disadvantages of sleeping with the new guy.
Advantages…

* The excitement.
* The anticipation.
* The newness of the touch.
* Presents….loads of presents.

Disadvantages...

* You have to act like you are in love even if all you want is to devour him...have you seen the pic on kpakpando's blog? danng she will need to drug me before kidnapping him.

* Major time wasting, you have to play the getting to know you game.

* You have to do the good girl, never given blow job game.

Baby shopping

2008-07-28T08:00:00.008+01:00

I called in sick on Friday sounding like I could die the very next second then decided I was on diet and ate loads of beans…wore a maxi dress and went baby cloth shopping…No, Afro is not pregnant…My friend Fluffy got married a while ago and has a bun or a puff puff in the oven. Need to tell you the story of how I met Fluffy, very dramatic…The girl sabi panic no be small...Don’t commit any crime with her cos you will be caught…Hence baby shopping donkey months before baby is due!

Hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone as Oxford street is really close to my office I go into H&M, got some stuff for baby, couldn’t resist a little something for myself.

While in the shop I felt a sudden sharp cramp which must have been a result of too much breakfast and leaned on a cloth rack holding my tummy. Now this is the image, I am in new born babies section, tiny cloths in one hand, using same hand to hold tummy and using other hand to hold on to cloth rack wearing a maxi dress.

I saw a shop girl rushing to me with a seat, followed closely by 2 other shop girls, she asked me to sit and they asked if it was my first baby, that was when I realised what was going on…Did I put them right? NO… told them it was my first then touched my head and said my blood sugar was low, one of them ran off and came back with a coke which I quickly took.lol..awoof!

Leaving the shop I see people collecting something, Afro does not know what it is but being the African that I am quickly rushed over to collect as well…Some new drink, I collect from 3 different people…yes, I got 3 bottles and immediately drank one…The coke had turned to blood sugar by then.Then I decided I needed to munch something and got 3 donuts and went to primark to do some more baby shopping, baby things look colourful and cheap, kai, the things I got for £5 at H & M are £2.50 here, so I go mad and shop my ass off, forgetting the money is not just for clothes…oh well…couldn’t resist getting 3 sexy night wears for myself…kai, but primark nighties are cute…cheap but cute...lol...Anyway a shop attendant seeing as I am pregnant and saddled with load came and carried them to the till for me.

Then I have a large subway sandwich with my free drink, at this time even I had forgotten I wasn’t really pregnant. Needed the energy for the trip home.

Went home and immediately fell asleep, the sign of good exercise, or maybe it was the pounded yam I had with the last free drink seeing as I didnt have lunch, I should have taken 4 of those drinks..., hmmmm next time!! I must have lost at least a kilo with all that walking around from shop to shop…Mrs Somebody and Calabar girl will be so proud of me…NOT!!!! Must do it more often though cos it was fun.

Later in the evening parakeet and I go to a naija show, Nice and Olu maintain (yahoozee) Didn’t really dig Nice, maybe cos I don’t understand a word of what he was saying but that olu maintain is an entertainer men…The guy gave a good interactive show while Nice mimed… It wasn’t all fun though as the silly DJ hailed everyone and said we all looked nice in our primark dresses ( To those in naija, this is equivalent to being told your tejuosho dress looks good) The thing pained me big time because I got the cute dress I was wearing from primark…long hissssss!!!

Then Parakeet’s ex bobo came to take us home, that was the second time I was meeting him but the same thought came to my mind…HOW IN HEAVENS NAME DO YOU UPGRADE ON PERFECTION??? His height, voice, good spoken English, clean, huuuuuuuuuu the joggers danggggg… I whispered to Parakeet, good luck upping that!! Why the hell is he ex anyway? I would forgive him any crime, in fact I’d beg him to commit a crime just so I could forgive him!!!

On Religion

2008-07-21T09:00:00.000+01:00

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions on 3rd brother, I have decided to ignore him and continue dodging my mum on the husband topic!

The comments were truelly inspiring though but Shubby Doo got me cracking so much that each time I came to reply comments I just started laughing all over again. She now has a whole chinese version of her family on her blog, extreme hilarity!

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My parents did not believe in beating but on several occasions they put those sentiments aside and beat the living daylights out of me.

Well, I always seemed to be the recipient.

I just remembered one particular occasion that required the beating.

My parents were liberal about religion but believed seriously in the catholic boarding schools so my first secondary school (I went to 3 secondary schools, not that I was like 3^rd brother oh) was a catholic all girls school but run by ordinary folk. Second one was a day school...mixed, got in some dodgy boy trouble (love letter) and got shipped back to an all girls school, this time run by reverend sisters...but that’s a story for another day.

So claiming to no longer be in the pentecostal church did not save you from going to church as we were allowed to go to any churches we wanted. One clause, you must go to one on Sunday, my folks at this point went to Fountain of life church Illupeju so I chose the catholic church at Maryland (St Agnes) . On Sundays they would give every one money for offering but in my case transport money as well...Well, Afro did not go to church oh. I would go to a friends place (Muslim) and chill till church was supposed to be over then get my ass home in time for lunch.

On that cursed day I went as usual and got home on time but I had apparently forgotten my scarf at my friends place and her mum brought it home for me. My dad was having one of his afternoon strolls inspecting flowers and ish when my friends mum brought it and told my dad I forgot it at hers that morning, my dad thanked the lady profusely then sent for me. See I was not very sharp, I should have seen the scarf with him. He asked me where I went that morning and I said St Agnes...long pause... he asked again and I repeated myself...He asked what they taught and I said JESUS WALKING ON WATER.

That was when I saw the first set of stars!

Solution required!

2008-07-15T10:41:00.007+01:00

A big thank you to those of you who sent me naughty photos so as to update…lmao, I won’t mention names but you will be shocked at which good girls sent these pictures that even I wouldn’t dare use.

I have 3 brothers....

If they were to walk in on me naked their reactions would be different.

The first brother who happens to have the same name
as me...eg..Emmanuel to Emmanuella would turn back and feign
a fainting sign...then exclaim in a dying voice...”I am traumatized, I have beheld a horrible
sight, I need a psychologist, some one helllllllllllllp”!!!

The second one would turn back, apologise profusely and say he would come back later,
you would have to send for him cos he aint coming back. (He is a church youth leader, plus an efiko, a just graduated engineer).

The third brother would stand there staring at you and say...”I KNOCKED”!!!...

This post is about 3rd brother who is seriously aging my folks and me right now.

A couple of months ago he got admitted into a private university in Anambra state, he sent me a text message saying his course of study required a lap top so you wouldn't be wrong in assuming he was studying computer engineering or some high tech course.

Nope, none of that…my brother is studying sociology. My people what has sociology which I assume is the study of man and his environment got to do with computers? I know people who work in oil firms now and studied computer engineering that saw their first computer after graduation.

Now unlike most of us in my house who got shipped to boarding school, 3^rd brother (sounds like a Chinese movie) got sent to an exclusive private secondary school in ikeja…DANSOL HIGH SCHOOL. The driver took him to school and brought him home. Well the school had my parents coming in for one meeting or the other over something my brother had done…i.e. He had convinced some lil girl in form 1 to steal daddy’s dollars for him, 2 girls had fought over him cos he sent the same love letter to both, he had threatened to beat up a boy who made a pass at his supposed girlfriend. The list goes on and on…

Well My Dad being the disciplinarian decided my brother shouldn’t be in a school that pampers him so he moved him to Command secondary school ikeja, where you are trashed and locked in some guard room till you start to behave. Did this help? Hell no, this only made my pampered brother tough, the result… he not only was cunning he was tough and could withstand any beating.

After about a year of his being there, still with the driver taking him to and from school my mum’s friend who taught at the school called my mum to tell her she didn’t like the boys my brother hangs with in school, they were the kind of boys that teachers shiver in fear from. Some were not even students, they just hung around school. My folks decided to go see his teachers and hear a status report. They heard a report all right, 3^rd brother had been suspended a term ago. Yes, he woke up every morning, got some pocket money, got into the car and went to school…he just wasn’t in school.

His school got changed again…A private school ( their reasoning…at least the school will let you know if he has been suspended) in the estate we lived in, no more car and driver, he strolled to school and back with my kid sister who was in the same school.

Trouble started again, some girl’s father came to school to say his daughter stole his money and gave 3^rd brother, he was involved in a deal to help someone sell some stolen phone or palm top, lil girls were knocking at the gate saying in giggly voices that they were looking for 3^rd brother, a lil girl was caught sneaking out of his room.

Well 3^rd brother finished secondary school after much prayer and fasting by mother and Dad decided he would be shipped to me in the UK for uni, thankfully he didn’t get a visa!!!

He got admitted in a private uni in Anambra, a week ago he sent me a text saying someone stole his ATM card and took out all his school fees, he said the bank investigated and told him it was someone close to him as they had his pin number so there was nothing they could do about it…now I have a room mate, it don’t get closer than that and she doesn’t have my pin number, I replied him asking him to inform his father cos his school fees wasn’t meant to be in his account anyway , he told them the same story…they didn’t bother replying… my parents just got a call that he borrowed someone’s school fees and now the someone cannot write exams!!!

Please, who has a solution for 3^rd brother?

P.S…Emily needs your prayers, she is in the hospital for surgery down there!!!

P.P.S...Introducing a not so new blogger, please do not go if you are under 25 oh...images are very real!!! shiraoko

Emily In Africa!

2008-07-02T12:04:00.008+01:00

My apologies for the delay in posting, it was due to a scarcity in naughty pictures!!

Yes oh..If Omosewa has not posted for ages due to a scarcity of wedding websites then I can be excused too!
*******************************************************************************************

It was Emily’s first trip to Africa.

Why Nigeria?....maybe because it was one of the only African countries not at war.

Her skin hurt, she needed to get more of that sun cream.

Her driver David was such a nice old man...he called her a pet name, what Emily did not know was that the name meant pig (on account of her skin) in the man’s language.

As she wound through the streets of Lagos, Emily saw the most amazing thing she had ever seen, she saw a naked man walking like he was in his castle. She stared open mouthed. She told David to stop the car and ran to the man. She took off the wrap that protected her from the sun and covered his nakedness before anyone else would see and get the idea already forming in her head.

Emily had found what she came to Africa for...Her search was over. She could now leave this Godforsaken country.

She took him to the car but David screamed for her to get away from the mad man. The mad man smiled.

Emily asked David not to be silly and ushered the mad man into her air conditioned car and took him home.

You wonder what Emily saw in the mad man...

Emily saw what the Nigerians who went past the mad man everyday never saw. She saw what brought her to Africa. She saw the largest dick she had ever seen...Emily had found her man, Africa!

For Emily did not come to be in Africa, She came to have Africa in her!

*********************************************************************************

Something tells me I would suck at writing a book and if I ever got this published then my folks would disown me...

I think I better keep my day job!!

Sexual healing

2008-06-23T09:20:00.005+01:00

I was late to work today, The reason according to the announcement was " A person under the train at mile end". They said it so casually that I wondered if I was the one not getting the meaning. "The central line is partially suspended because of a passenger under the train".

Do they mean there is someone lying down under the train and we will move when he gets out? Death is now taken so casually. I felt guilty about being upset for the delay.....not the death. What are we becoming?

***********************************************************************************

I remember commenting once on someone’s blog about the power of sex while sick.

It might just be me but I don’t think so.

Picture this…you’ve got a nasty cough, it’s so bad you are practically panting.

He holds you to comfort you. He starts rubbing your neck, then your tummy.

His hands come up to your boobs, he squeezes the nipples…You are burning up and know it’s got nothing to do with the fever. You kiss his neck, run your hands through his hairy chest, squeeze his nipples…Squeezing is not enough for you, you want to taste him. You feel his turgid member (wonder who came up with that name…member? He must have been some fool). You feel his turgid dick (love this one…can I free your dick from the trousers sounds better than "Can I free your member....don't you think so??) pressing into your thigh…he is rock hard…there is a little wetness on the tip…it makes you salivate…

He pulls off your shirt like he is in a rush and needs to get somewhere real fast. The bra comes off… A wet tongue on your nipples…Licking…licking…licking…you are so wet you just want to grab the dick but he wont let you…you are dying of anticipation…you want pressure on your nipples…you wish he would suck…suck hard…you push closer, filling his mouth with the boobs…he knows…there is a slight smile on his face…he suddenly sucks it hard…the breath escapes from you…you hold his head..You know you are loosing it…Now you need to feel him inside you real bad…

You pull his head from your boobs with force and kiss him deeply…he pulls away from the kiss and squeezes the nipple, he is looking at you…you are at that point where your makeup could cost a million bucks but you don’t care…you have on a face you didn’t practice in the mirror…

He kisses your tummy, tiny bites…

Then pulls off your trousers and panties in one go…slides his fingers inside you….with the wetness he puts pressure on your clit…you don’t want this foreplay anymore…you cant stand it…you are gasping and panting…you want to feel him deep inside you…you want to fuck!!!

You yank off his trousers and pull out the dick…so what if you are an African girl and mama brought you up better than that…you hold it and feel the strength in it…you feel the blood coursing through…you feel the wetness on the tip…

He turns to the drawer to pull out a condom and you slip your fingers inside your self…under the sheets because you are a good girl and are not supposed to know those things…

He lies back and starts putting on the condom…you sit up impatiently waiting…as soon as it's on, you sit on him…not moving…just let him fill you up…its in so deep you are trying not to scream…you want to scream…you need to scream…it’s the only way the pressure will leave your skin…the Goosebumps…he sits up with you on top and grabs your boobs…you scream…. At this point you could be an Afghanistan for all you care…mummy’s little girl is bad and loving it…

He turns you onto the bed so you are backing him and enters from behind…forcefully…you scream "Jesus, My God, Oh Father"…you are blaspheming so you try to keep quiet but then he rams in deeply and you almost add Jeremiah to the litany…he is all the way in…you feel your toes curling up…you feel a rush…its coming…you are coming….you yell out to him to fuck you…At that moment you will give anything for him to stop but then you would give doubly anything to make him go on....His hand's in your hair.... he fucks real hard because he is coming as well…you lie down with him on top of you….fully spent…he kisses your neck…tiny little kisses that now tickle…you giggle…he pulls out of you…5 minutes later you are brought back to reality... rudely…coughing and panting…

You had forgotten the cough hadn’t you???

Guess Marvin Gaye knew what he was talking about.

A Birthday and Blogville Idol 2008

2008-06-18T07:18:00.008+01:00

Today is a special person’s birthday.

A non Nigerian who we have turned Nigerian by force.

A special someone I have promised a Nigerian husband (Oya make unna bring your brothers and cousins oh, don’t make me a liar).

Happy birthday Jaybabe, you always take your time to check up on all of us, celebrate and cry with us as well as look for us when we go missing.

I wish you all the best in life, a good man with a good sized......The picture is dedicated to you.

I know you went for the idols over there and went a long way so please apply here as well and bless us with your voice.

Love you loads.

Blogville Idol 2008

So all those fine people who squeak in the shower like me and feel they can sing....Bring it on...

This will be my first time......Not competing, just listening...

In my head I sound like whitney Houston but when I sing people ask if I am ok...Heck I got kicked out of school choir...Do you know how bad you have to be to get kicked out of the scool choir???

Oya, get set and bring it on...
Blogville idol is organised by pink satin and 9ja okpeke click on the link for further information or send them emails on pinksatinpinksatin@yahoo.com or opeke9ja@yahoo.com.

Wishing every body good luck.

Tattoo

2008-06-07T08:06:00.007+01:00

I want a tattoo,

I have wanted a tattoo since I came to the UK.

Heck, I have wanted a tattoo since I was 15 and followed my dad to the airport where we met his friend who was with a chic that was neither his wife nor daughter - with a tattoo on her boobs!

This babe had the biggest boobs I ever saw in my life, my fingers inched to open one more button on my shirt....maybe it would make my own chest look bigger.....But fear of my papa did not allow that move....I digress.

I have debated long and hard about the sensibility of something so stupid at my old age...

And came to the conclusion that I still wanted it. (Yeah, I am still foolish).

This post is not asking if I should get it, it is asking for a design that will please everybody.

I think I've finally found it.

Something that will please all.....the church fanatics, the parents, the ones you are supposed to set an example for, the rev sisters, the rev fathers and the pastors.

Yes, I have decided to get a tattoo of a cross on my right arm!

A cross I can defend. I am proclaiming my Christianity loud and clear. It’s a part of God so it can’t be unholy and devilish and.....

I love Jesus so much I have decided to carry him around.

What do you guys think, Can I get away with it?

Just For You

2008-06-06T22:52:00.006+01:00

This one is for you.

Specially written for you.

No comments or opinions needed from anyone.

I thought of copying something sweet and romantic from Queen,

But then thought my uncordinated, unryhming words would better convey my feelings.

Straight from my heart, hopefully straight to yours.

I love you.

I think I have always loved you.

It was never lust.

It’s been pure and friendly.

Goofy and silly.

A special bond one cannot see.

If I were allowed just one wish,
I would wish to wake up in your arms everyday.

I love the way you hold me from behind when I least expect it.

I love that I can gossip with you….your ameabo.com lol

I feel protective towards you which is strange.

My friend.

My lover.

My confidant.

To think you know every aspect of my life is scary. Some one I trust wholly.

Even while we dated others I hated hearing about the ones in your life…Hypocritical? I never claimed to be perfect.

The first time we broke up I said to myself, he doesn’t know- no one can love him the way I do.

Whatever happens, where ever life takes us, Keep one thing in mind.

I loved you honestly.

It’s a difficult decision, I dont know what I would do if I were in your shoes but whatever your choice I will always cherish the times we spent together.

Random ish.....

2008-05-27T15:30:00.000+01:00

I hate it when people zig zag in front of me..For God’s sake go left or right and leave the frigging road...

That said, I love zig zagging in front of people...For God’s sake where are you rushing to?

I hate being kept waiting...For God’s sake you knew what time we were meeting...

That said...I never arrive anywhere on time...Even if I wake up 2 hours early.

I hate it when people expect you to give them gifts just cos you arrived from “The abroad”.

That said I hate it when people arrive from Nigeria with no home food...couldn’t you even buy dry fish?

I hate it when someone tells me they will call back and don’t.

That said...I’ll call you back is how I end most, if not all phone conversations.

************************************************************************

Ok, so I love my boss. (Yes the same one I hated last month)

I don’t know if he went on some managerial course or something but I am loving his ass big time right now.

He sends me emails asking me to do stuff with a smiley face on it.

Buys me chocolate occasionally when he goes for lunch.

He replies my emails where I have taken decisions on stuff with a simple “PERFECT”.

Hope it lasts, but for now I love his crazy ass…

Thank God I didn't kill him that time, wouldn't have a boss to love now, would I?

*******************************************************************

Yesterday Princesa and I decided to hook up at the beach. I thought it would be just us but she turned up with a load of Nigerian bloggers for a surprise party she had planned.

I was with my boyfriend, all lovey dovey...

The bloggers started pating me on the back. I kept hearing “So you are Afrobabe”, “so you are the sex queen”,” You are so naughty”, “Do you actually do everything you write about” ,“When was the last time you had sex” ,”Have you ever had a 3some” , “Have you ever been with a woman”.

Each question felt like a knife being stuck in my heart. I was shaking and could feel heat traveling up my spine.

Boyfriend was confused, not only do I have all this friends around, the friends didn’t seem to know me and why were they calling me Afrobabe and queen of sex...Had I worked as a sex worker? "Were you a prostitute in London?"

He kept hurling questions at me, yelling at me to answer him. The bloggers wouldn’t shut up either...They were also yelling “So you are Afrobabe” Then there was insistent music giving me a bad headache.

I woke up to the insistent music.

God forbid bad thing!!!

14th and Serenity

2008-05-22T15:12:00.001+01:00

Lmao...I am announcing this collaboration but was impressed at how much the pic fitted into my blog...kind of have the same errrm motto, don't you think??

I believe it will be worth it as it is from some very good bloggers..

Presenting 14th & Serenity which starts on Monday.

Rules and Regulations

2008-05-13T09:17:00.000+01:00

Rules and regulations for my husband.

No, I am not married or even in a relationship but we need to be prepared for it so I will start by writing out the rules and regulations now. No, I will not show them to him till after the wedding has been consumated!!! (Solicitors in the house, what is the time stamp for an annulment period?)

1. Thou shall not with hold sex for any reason what's so ever. (No bullshit about a premiership match. I AM PLAYING so watch ME!!!)

2. Thou shall pull up my dress/ skirt and start commiting touchry especially when I say no! (Don't worry it's not rape, just a little rough play to spice up the day)

3. Thou shall put down the toilet seat at all times (Heard this is the no one reason for divorce)!

4. Thou shall eat whatever is on the table smiling, even when we both know the salt is too much!

5. Thou shall compliment my cloths and figure even when my tummy is stretching the dress!

6. Thou shall agree with me that my inlaw/cousin/friend/manager was wrong and foolish and I did the right thing by cursing them out!

7. Thou shall pretend that you don't know my mum/Iya Ruka/sweet sensation cooked the soup and compliment me on it!

8. Thou shall sing my praise to family and friends (especially your mother) at my ability to juggle work, home, social life and gossip!

9. Thou shall "do me" in every style we see in porn!

10. Thou shall stare at my body especially my boobs with lust!

11. Thou shall change my car whenever you cheat!

12. Though shall change my mum's car whenever I catch you cheating!

13. Thou shall notice ALL new hairdos!

14. Thou shall not forget any birthdays, anniversaries or reason's to buy me a gift.

15. Thou shall buy me a gift even on YOUR birthday (Afterall guy's don't really get gifts except sex right?)

Follow them diligently and we shall live happily ever after!!!

Oh by the way, I love you in advance!!!

Tagged

2008-05-02T12:02:00.000+01:00

I was tagged by Gnaija, Queen of My Castle, Ibiluv and Standtall

Here are the rules:

1.link the person who tagged you…
2. Mention the rules in your blog…
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours...
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged...

6 unspectacular quirks, where do I start seeing as my life is very unspectacular?

Ok, will start from the most obvious, sex! Reading a post by ibiluv she mentioned sound tracks. Sound tracks are defined in the book of ibiluv as sounds made during sex/lovemaking/gbenshing/kpanshing. (I have to redo that post on different names for sex, quite informative)

1. My sound track is very religious!!!
Loads of Jesus and God involved in the matter...
sometimes I pause and wonder whether to shut up to avoid hell...

2. Despite the impression I have created here, I am a one man babe and only cheat when.....

3. I am highly impatient, when I want something, I want it now. This is because my attention span is quite crazy, if I don’t get it then I would most probably forget I ever wanted it in the first place.

4. I ask people’s opinion before doing something but still end up doing what I wanted in the first place. Friends have told me it seems I only wanted confirmation of what I initiallY wanted.

5. I forget people’s names and think of them in my mind as the pet names I have given them.eg guerreiranigeriana - the name is so long I always used to think of her as Gnigeria then Desperate lady came up with Gnaija and I switched.

6. I blog...amazing, never knew I could keep a hobby this long. I am usually into something new on a weekly basis. Oh yeah, just remembered...I am terrible at keeping malice, I forget we are not talking and am very shocked when blanked.
**********************************************************************************

Rather than use the gym yesterday I decided to go swimming as I have an all round package. I have not been to swim in a long time but thought that like bike riding you never forget.

Got there and put on my swim suit, have a shower, shake my hair like Charlie’s angels and walk past all the people in the shallow end.

When I get to the other end which has “Divers” written on the wall, I Shake my hair again and drop my towel. At this point a life guard walks up to me and asks if I am a good swimmer. “I am” I reply. He walks away.

I hold my nose and dive in, wisely staying near the wall, just in case!

I decide to do a lap across, 3 quarter way there (Is that even correct?) I can no longer move and need to breathe so I come out and hang on to the wall for dear life.

The life guard quickly comes over and says “Don’t move, I will get you a float, make sure you stay there till I return”

Bloody goat, do I look like I was going anywhere soon?

He comes back with the float and I paddle to the shallow end. I see people at the shallow end grinning at me from ear to ear. I calmly get out of the water, do the walk of shame to the deep end, retrieve my towel, do the walk of shame back to the shallow end which has “Exit” boldly written at the side and go home. I think I'll give it a week and a new hairdo before I go back!!

This Halle Berry business is not going well, something tells me Benue girls are meant to look like Bimbo Akintola, after all with everybody looking like or trying to look like Halle Berry, the rest of us become the unique ones!!!

Tagging six people that haven't done the thingy. Freeflowing Florida of free spirit(bad girl), naijachic, naija chickito, Desperate lady, Onome and ejura.

A solution

2008-04-23T11:29:00.000+01:00

I was going to write about something serious and important like the state of the nation, the moral implications of something something (Not sure what yet) on how to be a lady in public, anything but a sex related topic but nature called. Who am I to ignore the call of nature?

This post was motivated by a write up by Free Florida (Florida of free spirit, free spirit of Florida, Florida of free flowing spirit....changes everyday) and MS Emotions...

Basically it (features, relates to) when to have sex in a relationship.

There are double standards set for the two sexes....or 3 sexes with the transgender thing but then I digress....

Men can sleep with as many women as the want but women have to stick to sleeping with one man (or one man per clique) else she is branded a whore.

If a woman sleeps with a man, even the one she is dating she is considered loose by the very man enjoying the goodies.

I have found a solution to all our problems.

From henceforth let’s all practice abstinence with the ones we love and bitch around town!!

After all you only want one man taking you serious right?

Ok, for the sake of your future children and gossip reaching “the one” Keep the round town shag discreet...No smiling around the house and singing “Don’t worry be happy” when he is around because he is going to wonder why you are so happy!

*************************************************************************************

On another note, I started gym a couple of weeks ago...The target is to look like Halle Berry, for now I look like Bimbo Akintola (love her to death though)!!!

While there yesterday this two sinfully chocolate guys strolled in.

I was staring, I knew I was staring but you see I wasn’t staring at their handsomeness. I was staring at the shorter guy because though they were both wearing spandex I couldn’t see his bulge!

Haba! No amount of packing can make the bulge completely unseen in a spandex!

Anyway the taller one had an impressive looking bulge so I decided to act the damsel in distress and fall of the treadmill right when they would be going past.

Plan worked but it was the smaller one that caught me.

HELL NO!!!

And he had the guts to try and chat me up.

HELL NO, No long thing....well in this case long things would have been appreciated!!

PS: You just have to read this post ( A letter to MR President ), its the best I have read all year...The kind of serious post I wanted to write!!!

Virginity

2008-04-16T10:42:00.000+01:00

I almost lost my virginity a couple of times growing up.

I just remembered this one episode and the reason I didn’t loose it.

I didn’t loose it that day, not because I didn’t want to.

Not because I didn’t like him.

Not because I wasn’t hot for him.

Not because I was too young or we both didn’t know exactly what was done. (By the way we didn’t)

But because my panty had a big fat hole in it!

Hey, stop acting like you didn't own knickers that had holes!!!

All That Glitters is not Gold

2008-04-07T13:29:00.000+01:00

As I walked towards the bus stop clutching N500 which was all the money I had on me and my bank passbook ( I had N2000 in the bank) I couldn’t help but realise I had done a very foolish thing.

Questions were swirling (note: big grammar) round my head.

1) What if I couldn’t find Joy’s house? ....yes, you got it right...I had never been there, all I had were the directions she gave me last time we spoke.

2) What if she wasn’t in town? .... Joy was the only friend I had who had her own place.

3) What if she had lied about having a place? ...Joy was known for telling errrmm small fibs.

4) What if my Dad disowns me? ...Can’t blame this one on Joy.

You would have thought these thoughts would have persuaded me to go back home and beg my Dad and take the beating and shouting in good faith but even at that age I knew that was a bad idea as it would never end.

I got to the bus stop and took a bus to Ajah, Got to a business centre and called Joy, I called and called and heard the dreaded message “THE NUMBER YOU ARE CALLING HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED”!

I kept going, hoping to find the place through the descriptions she had given me. Saw the green house she described, saw the open air restaurant and palm wine joint but couldn’t see the plot number she had given me. I walked round the whole place looking for it and asking people, (They didn’t speak English, I didn’t speak Yoruba) then stopped at the palm wine place to eat. The men in the joint looked rough, they looked like bus drivers and conductors, they had plates loaded with food that would have fed 3 people ( I still wonder why they eat so much after all they are supposed to be Africa’s poor).They ate and talked in very loud voices. I was almost in tears. It was about four hours after I left home, where was I going to sleep, where was this house, where was Joy?

I imagined being raped by these men who all seemed to glance at me from time to time, I guess I looked as scared as I felt.

Then it happened.... One of the guys walked up to me and in a raspy rough Nigerian bus driver voice asked me if I was looking for some where, he said his friends told him they had seen me walking round the whole place. For a moment I was torn between telling him yes or telling him my friends were packed some where but I eventually told him I was looking for my friend Joy, he asked if it was the girl that lived with a white man...Now this was a big shocker as Joy’s version of the house was that the Israeli guy she was dating lived in VGC but got her a flat in Ajah...I said yes hoping that meant the Israeli guy came around so much that they assumed he lived there.

The house was just down the road, 3 houses from the joint.

The security man went and came out with Joy, at that point I didn’t care if she lived with militants. I was safe.

We went in and I told her all about my fight with my dad, she told me I had done a good thing. She had a cute little dog, those short ones that don’t grow (can’t be bothered to goggle it or call Joy and ask lol) I loved the dog and it loved me...then Joy starts doing some damage control about the Israeli, she tells me the man had financial problems and had to move in with her, I don’t believe her but I don’t really care.

The house was lovely, my Dad was supposed to be the rich one but here was Joy with a 4 bedroom house and a bar stocked with baileys and vodka. Plus I had my own room!

The man came home, Joy yelled at him to go do the dishes...I was expecting a young guy, the man that came in looked to be in his 50s, as old as my Dad...Joy and I were 20, how could she bare to let him touch her and how could she shout at him like that, was she not afraid of him?

Day 1 was ok we just gisted,ate and watched tv..the iddeal running away sport, day 2 we took a cab (Joy said she didn’t do buses) to a boat club called Tarzans and were taken to a private beach, can’t remember what it is called now. I couldn’t help but notice Joy knew every one especially the men. Each time anyone tried to talk to me I shrunk away.

At night we came back to the boat club and the scene had changed, there was now a live band playing and white/black men sitting all over the place with girls dressed in scanty dresses like the ones in American movies. I realised why Joy said none of my clothes were appropriate for the outing. I felt lost, I had makeup on and was wearing her top with my boobs showing more than even I had ever seen them.

My Dad’s office (Mobil) was close by, what if he also hung out there with his friends?

Joy danced to the live band and they sang out her name...ahhhh they know her.

Joy’s dancing was a teasing kind, it spoke volumes, like, look at me I am sexy.

Day 3 Joy says she wants to see a friend who will give her money in Ikeja, she sends for a cab, this cabs cost about N700 per trip, this was where the good will ended, she asked me to bring half the cab fare so we had to stop at the bank. All I had was N2000 which had looked a lot in my eyes before, with this cabs we were taking it would be finished by the next day!

We saw the guy, I was left in the living room watching tv and drinking fanta while Joy went into the room with the man. She came out and we took a cab to an eatery and I bring my own share of the money, we ate and took another cab home. I wasn’t feeling happy at her place any more because the Isreali was there. He had disgusting looking rashes on his body and I wondered if Joy touched them, I also wondered if I would catch them since I sat on the same chairs.

I was beginning to think it strange that we didn’t go out in the day time, why did Joy sleep all day only to have a bath and get dressed at night and head out. Night outing to me then was scary but exciting though because I had a 6pm curfew at home.

Day 4 Joy sent for a cab, she said she wanted to see another friend in Ikeja and we might sleep over. We get dressed, again I wear her clothes and again we head off to ikeja, when we get there I see 2 Lebanese men (brothers) they buy drinks and loads of suya, I don’t have to share with my brothers so I eat as much as I can. We all talk for a while then Joy zooms in on the older brother and the younger one comes to talk to me. Sitting in that living room with Joy flirting with the man I realised 4 things:

1. My friend Joy is a prostitute! She might not stand on the streets but that was what she was.

2. She expects me to do the same thing!

3. I need to go home, I miss my mum and she never did anything to me!

4. I can’t live like this!

I went into the toilet to pee and just started crying, It started as the silent type with tears pouring down my face but then my nose got blocked and I started taking loud gulps of air, after a while I totally lost it and started howling.

The younger brother came to the door and asked what was wrong but I couldn’t answer him so he sent Joy to me. She tried her best to calm me but all I could say was “Joy, I can’t live like this” over and over again. When I finally came out the younger one spoke to me, he said he knew I was different from the minute we stepped in, that Joy’s life wasn’t the kind meant for me, he spoke about Joy with such disdain I was embarrassed to know her, he advised me to go back home then gave me his room for the night while he slept on the couch. Next day we went back to Ajah and I went to a business centre.

I called home!

My brother picked the phone and I heard him yell “It’s Afrobabe” then I heard my mum screaming “Jesus thank you”. She begged me to come home, she said my Dad was sorry and he said if I didn’t want to live at home anymore he would pay for a flat for me as long as they knew where I was and that I was fine. I had called to beg to be allowed to come home, instead I was being begged...one little problem...I had no transport money. Mum said to take a cab and stop by her shop for some money.

When I got home only my brothers were there, they said my mum had been crying every day and blaming Dad since I left. I was scared, but resigned to the beatings I expected to follow as the grass was suddenly greener at home.

My parents came home 30 minutes later...the worst 30 minutes of my life, just waiting...waiting for judgement...

My mum ran to my room and hugged me, she hugged me very tight and gave me a bangle she had just bought for me...I still have it...it reads “ANGEL” she said you are my angel, don’t ever run away again unless you want to bury me.

Then my Dad came in behind her, by this time I was faint with fear. He hugged me and said “Since you ran away I have been so hungry, No one makes yam pottage like you. Don’t you know I named you after my grand mother because she made the best pottage in the world?”

LESSONS WERE LEARNT THAT DAY....

I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD THE STORY OF THE PRODIGAL SON AND WHY HE CHOSE TO GO HOME.

DADDY FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY THE PRODIGAL SON’S DAD KILLED THE BIGGEST COW OR WAS IT A GOAT? ....

PS. My Dad and I never spoke about that incident again.

Pss. Things became better after that, they got a house maid.

Birthday in this joint.

2008-04-01T07:59:00.000+01:00

Hi Every body,

Someone got YOUNGER in this joint today...

Yep, your girl Afrobabe is a year younger today....

No jokes/ teasing about my date of birth please I have heard it all...I have brothers remember!!!

Nope, your eyes are not decieving you....no naughty pic on my birthday...I am a year wiser remember?

Advantages of my new job/position

2008-03-27T15:55:00.000Z

1) Unlike customer services I don't have to come in with a smile like the world is beautiful...it aint!

2) I can get up and go for a walk when I need to rest my brain.

3) I can get up, period!

4) My new salary...Kai I can't wait to receive the first batch.

5) Finally getting into a career I actually like.

6) My salary again :) each time I think of it there is a large grin on my face.

7) Glad I got the opportunity to move to that field immediately after the exams.

The reason why I have to remind myself of the advantages of my job is that the alternative would
be to kill my manager!!!

The guy is driving me insane, He used to be my friend and I found him intriguing as he was my first gay friend but since he became my manager the fool is simply bitching all over the place...someone remind me of the advantages of my new job again!!!

Running Away: The begining of an adventure

2008-03-15T10:36:00.000Z

To tell the story of my second running away I have to start from the story of Joy, my friend.

Joy was a single mum at 16 and had dropped the child with her mum. I met her in uni.

She was the kind of girl I wanted to be, she could leave her house whenever she wanted for days on end. She didn’t listen to a word of what the parents said. She would leave school for weeks because Abacha’s kids were having a party in Abuja, or Useni’s kids were having a party in Jos...(For non Nigerians, Abacha and Useni are the likes of the Kennedy family or Bush family)

I followed her everywhere like a puppy except for the out of town trips...She in turn followed any man that was rumoured to be rich.

Joy is the only girl I have ever known to be friends with the kids of her sugar daddy. (Her mates)

One day she decided school was too hard, she quit...never went back till this day.

She called me to tell me she was dating a white man and he had gotten her a flat in Ajah, Lagos…

I finished my last paper in the university and went back home to Lagos to wait for NYSC.

A little about my dad. We all grew up hearing our parents came first in school, my dad has a first class in Petroleum Engineering from a uni in Texas....so go figure!

He treated us like little fools, He didn’t beat but would just give you a few words that would stay with you far longer than the beatings would have. Anyway he suddenly felt we were all grown up in the house so there was no longer a need for house girls.

But my immediate younger sister was in school and the older kids were boys so basically that left me, the first child!

I don’t do Cinderella well....I’d rather be the wicked step sister!!

I worked and worked and work. My typical day started at 5am, made breakfast for the smaller kids, ironed their cloths and bath them. Then walk them to school since it was just down the road. Sweep the house, wash cloths and make lunch after which I would go pick them up from school. Give them lunch, do the dishes and it was already time to make dinner.

Joy’s life seemed so ideal compared to mine!!!

I had day dreams of my life as Joy...go for parties and have men pay for stuff for me.

One day while making dinner the dry cleaner brought my dad’s cloths, I was too busy to take them up to his room so I left them in the living room while cooking. Dad came back yelling...” Where is that foolish girl?” “You are all so foolish in this house” “Can’t you do anything right?” “Just a bunch of lazy kids I am feeding”. I love my dad but I would have given anything to shoot him right that minute. I finally understood all those movies where someone killed his whole family and just waited for the cops. I would have gotten away with it too as there is no CSI in Nigeria. I would have just started crying...”Thieves, thieves have killed my daddy” Lmao...I digress!

“I can’t wait for when you all will leave my house” he continued. I swear that was the straw that broke this Cinderella’s back. I put off the gas cooker, went up to my room and packed my stuff. Took my favourite cloths. Wrote him a long letter about him not needing to wait much longer to have his dreams of me leaving his house come true.

My younger brothers came to my room and asked where I was going, told them I was leaving their father’s house for him. The stupid boys were so happy that someone was standing up to dad and encouraged me, they actually carried my travelling bag for me and waved me good bye. Outside the estate gate with my bag in hand I had a little doubt and wanted to go back home but I could just imagine being the butt of everyone’s jokes so I went.....Visions of a new happy life with Joy, doing as I wished filled my head....

PS: Pls take time to visit a new blogger, Ollay a friend of mine...She is the likes of Laspapi,onydchic, Atutu and a bunch of others,writings that make you think.

loneliness

2008-03-14T12:08:00.000Z

I wanted to write about my running away as a child.

I wanted to write about a never ending night during NYSC.

I wanted to write about my dad as I never seem to talk about him.

I wanted to write about my mum and her recent call.

But all I can think about is this loneliness I feel.

How Can I be lonely in the midst of so many people?

It’s not a sex thing.

It’s not someone to talk to.

It’s not partying.

It’s not being asked out or the lack of it.

Friends tell me I am so carefree,

They tell me they wish they could be as happy as I am.

I don't feel happy or carefree right now.

I just feel so alone in the world!

Have I made the right decisions?

Maybe I should have married Ade,

Maybe I should have married Victor or Nick...

Or.......

Or........

Maybe.....

I just don't know anymore!!!

UPDATE!!!!

On my way home from work a cute black guy in a cute car followed me, begging for me to talk to him for just one minute.He promised to be nice and kept begging me to smile.....

I didn't stop but it made my day....He sure lifted my spirits...Thanks cutie!!

How Far?

2008-03-07T13:47:00.000Z

My mum’s birthday was on the 3rd of March so like every well brought up daughter who managed to remember, I gave her a call.

I called her first thing in the morning, not because I wanted to be the first to wish her a happy birthday, not even because I knew if I waited till later in the day I would forget,....but because my mum has a tradition of calling me every weekend to ask how far.

I have heard this how far so much now that I don’t need a reminder of the question. How far means “Have you found a man”?

Well, I called mum at 7am to wish her a happy birthday, hoping it was too early in the morning for the how far question. She did say thanks but then jumped straight to her favorite subject...yep, you guessed it!!

She started with “thanks for calling, and told me I was a great daughter then asked how far??????? (My goodness gracious is there really no escaping this).

This is at 7am oh .

Then I respond with my usual “Nothing yet”

But this time it doesn't end there, there is a new twist, she asks me if I don’t go out?

What???? They almost cut off my legs as a growing teenager for not sitting my ass down!!!!

But that's not all, she goes on to advice me....

She informs me that I cannot get a husband sitting at home oh, that she knows its cold out here but I should manage to go out with my friends, so I can meet my friends boyfriends friends or husbands friends and I should also go to church as a lot of guys go to church just to find wives.

Peeps, I have apparently become a case for concern in my house.

Wonder why she didn't recommend the clubs, after all footballers hang there, I just might end up as a footballers wife!

Pregnant at 11

2008-02-26T18:11:00.000Z

I was a tom boy growing up.

Why play cook when the boys were jumping from tree to tree? I always hung out with the boys, they seemed to have more fun.
This means I always had my mum telling me I would get pregnant before I finished primary school.

My dad decided to buy us bikes, we were so eager to learn that we would go up our street (which was a hill) and roll down, unfortunately we couldn't quite figure out how the breaks worked so we went all the way down hill and jumped onto the grass at the side..

Miss it and you were in for some spirit-in- wound cleaning and a few knocks from my mum on why you fell off.

I still have the scars to show!!

On this highly memorable day I landed on the grass alright but the bike came with me and in the process I hit my “thing”...It hurt so bad I just went to bed.

Next morning, rushing to have a bath before school I flung off my panties and got into the bath tub, Mum came into the bathroom and asked me why there was blood on my panties, I hadn’t even seen it, at first I said there was no blood but then I couldn’t think of anything other than the fall I had the previous day. She said I was lying and gave me some tissue asking me to wipe, I did and there was more blood.

Now, a white mother or any non African mother would have told her daughter she had come of age and be nice and “teachy” as mothers should be....But my mum being from mars was no ordinary mum.

She told me I was PREGNANT!!!

The thing is, I am a first child so I guess my parents practiced on me!!Yep, she said I was going to have a baby, said she had told me times without number to stop playing with boys and play with girls instead and now I was going to have a baby. At the age of 11!

She kept asking me to tell her who had touched me down there. But there was no one...I even started wondering if I was like Mary in the bible!!!

When I got to school I asked a blond girl who sat next to me if she had ever had blood come from down there, girl looked shocked and said no, then asked If I had...Of course I emphatically said no too...

Thank God for the best teacher I ever had oh...She called me when she saw I didn't go outside to play and sat me on her legs...I just burst into tears and told her I was pregnant....The woman calmed me down and explained it all to me. I am sure she felt my mum was an illiterate African woman that didn't know anything about periods...She made me understand every female would have blood coming out of there monthly and that it just meant I was now grown up. Even my mum had blood coming from there...IMAGINE!!!

When I got home my mum wanted to start the interrogations again…I just told her to leave me alone, my teacher had explained...She laughed...Can you imagine?

I had been strung and on edge all day...Would have committed suicide if I was a white girl and there she was laughing...

My First Porn

2008-02-20T10:01:00.001Z

This month has been fabulous!!!!

All the hard work (close your mouth) I put into reading (Not blogs) paid off.
I passed, I passed, I passed!

I also got promoted at work. I don’t know if it’s a promotion but it’s definitely a step in the right direction and an increment in salary. So because I am moving permanently from customer services to Risk, I have to train the replacement. I haven’t been able to blog much as I don’t want to start her thinking she can just read blogs whenever she likes...lol.

Remembered my first porn today.

I must have been about 11 and my kid sister 8. My dad, A loss prevention manager with an oil firm would bring home boring videos of guys drilling oil, or doing somenthing else at work, watch them and make notes. Because of this no one bothered watching any of the videos in his drawers.

Well on this highly memorable day my sister and I were left alone in the house while the parents went out with the boys. We were so bored, we went up to their room and generally loitered...we wore mums cloths,used her make up...got bored again and decided to watch the work movies incase we became engineers as well.

I still remember the happiness at discovering it wasn't a work movie....There were some pretty girls wearing bikini tops so we smiled and said it was a movie (they don't start porn movies like that any more, now they just get down to it without the buildup!) Next thing we knew all the babes were naked with naked men...shit I was so so excited I was almost bursting....

My sister...the churchy one (she still is) freaked out and started screaming for us to take it out but I kept saying wait small lets see what they are up to. She was scared but was still watching and all the while saying we were going to hell.

Well I was so excited I ran upstairs and brought down all the work videos and went through them all. We were so into it that we didn't even hear the gate being opened and the car driving in next thing we knew the parents were knocking and calling out in that voice that suggests they haven't had a very nice day and will take it out on who ever is in the line of fire...

"Open this door", "where are this children"..."Open this door now"!!

Can any of you remember how long it took a VCR to eject a tape? My sister freaked out and started going for the door, I had to physically hold her down till the tape came out. I ran all the way up and dumped it in the drawer, before I even climbed the first stairs my sister had opened the door for them. They came in looking all suspicious but couldn't place a finger on it.

My sister used it to blackmail me for a while as she knew I was still watching them till I got tired and dared her to tell, reminding her that we watched it together...That was the end of that.

That was the first of a life time of porn, Mills and boon and Dauda the sexy guy, what were the odds for a little girl exposed to it so early, shocking that I even waited that long to do the Do!

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-12T15:58:00.001Z

Valentine Flowers £20

Dinner and a movie £70

Hotel room £100

The look on his face when you tell him you are on your period.....

PRICELESS!!!

Happy Vals day.

Running away: Attempt one (Boarding school)

2008-02-04T21:51:00.000Z

Like all the running away moves in my life, running away from boarding school wasn't quite successful...

My school was a catholic school run by Catholic nuns. So that means everything is a sin...You have to say 5 rosaries and 1 hail Mary for daring to think about boys and sex in your head. (which is God's holy temple).

See?

That’s the cause of my inability to get sex out of my head!!!

I am suing the catholic church!!

I tried to escape from boarding school not because I wanted to escape punishment, not because I wanted to escape the water fetching or the mosquitoes, not even because I missed TV…No, Afro TRIED to run away from school because of food.

Food?

Yes oh...Home food to a boarder is like drugs to Amy winehouse, craze to Britney spears, sexual thoughts to Afrobabe and blogging to you..lol..

We all know it’s a bad idea but it wouldn't be an addiction if you could stop it.

It would be midterm break in a couple of weeks, why couldn't I just wait till then to get some home food? No, not Afro...she couldn't do anything as reasonable or mundane (My big grammar for the day) as WAIT.

It was time to send home girls who had not paid their school fees, plus the drama team was going for an out of state competition....Great opportunity to escape from school as it would be in chaos and no one would really know who was meant to be in school and who wasn't...

Great plan!!!

But didn’t quite go that way... And as everything in my life, I didn’t do this quietly...

I told every one...all my friends, my mates, my kid sister even my enemies, almost told the principal (almost)...

I still remember my sister begging me not to go so I dont get into trouble.

One foolish friend who lived close to me decided to come along... I promised her we would be brought back to school by my dad’s driver first thing in the morning.

The plan would have been successful if we had used the gate to stroll out of school like all the people leaving legally but it wouldn’t have been escaping if we did it that way right? So carrying a backpack stuffed with foodflask we decided to use the bush part which is a part in a forest (not a bush). We waded through bamboo trees avoiding snakes, swam over rivers,climbed mountains,crawled through the desert (carlang taught me the art of exaggerating) and co. Finally made it to the other side only to walk straight into the principal who was showing builders where to extend the school fence!!

I never made it home!

She didn’t need to take down my name…she knew me well enough, my name was already in the black book and she had a personal relationship with my folks.

We didn’t hear anything from the authorities so we assumed we had survived that one.

Midterm break finally came and we went home…Had the home food and came back to school, my parents brought us (my sis and I)…While dragging my stuff to the hostel I heard the principal yelling from afar….

“AFROBABE, DID YOU TELL YOUR PARENTS WHAT YOU DID?”

See wahala!

Tell them what?

I started to run off but my dad held on to my sweater.

I got suspended but even my suspension wasn't normal. I was given internal suspension…who ever heard of being suspended internally. If I meet the principal again I will ask her what exactly I was suspended from as I still had to go to all the classes.

I still don’t know if it would have been better to be sent home on suspension or the fact that I never even made it home, even as punishment.

P.S…My dad still doesn’t believe I was coming home!!!

PPS.....or is it pss? My next attempt at running away was better as I actually left!!

They Come In Threes

2008-01-27T20:52:00.001Z

I finished secondary school at a boarding school run by Reverend sisters.

It was strict.. You woke up at 5am to get ready for 5.30am mass. (How did I turn out this way? lol)

My best friend in school and I had a lot in common, we read Dauda the sexy guy and mills and boons together. If you were caught with anything like that you faced the risk of being expelled. But we couldn't help it....we were hooked.

Sex to us was the ultimate big girl stuff. We couldn't wait to do it but we promised each other it would be after secondary school despite the fact that loads of girls were already doing it.

We had a pact that who ever did it first would tell the other how it was and what to expect.She spent all her mid term breaks with my family as her home was too far for her to travel for a week's break. She was like a part of the family. My parents don't allow you go out but you can move all your friends in.

My best friend at home was a guy. He was mixed race and all the girls in the estate and in town wanted him. I didn't see the big deal cos other than being mixed race and cute he was dumb.

We hung out a lot and went every where together when I was on holiday from boarding school. Our parents worked in the same company so we lived in the company estate, every body knew we were friends. He was in my house so much my parents didn't bat and eye lid when he came into our house and went straight to the kitchen to get something to eat. They all liked him.

After secondary school my dad got transferred to Lagos so my friend and I could only communicate via letters. Oh how I wish there were mobile phones then, it would never have happened.

My letters came in through my dad's office.

First I had to go back to the state we moved from to write my October/ November Gcse exams so I was booked to stay in the company guest house.

He stayed with me most of the time till it was really late before he would leave. We never thought of doing anything. He was my best friend to me. Even my parents were happy he was there because it meant I wouldn't be alone.

Anyway while there his birthday came to pass and I got him an empty cassette (was a big thing then lol) and deodorant.

Went back to Lagos and two days later my dad gave me a letter. It was from my best female friend. I had a terrible headache but managed to read the juicy details.

SHE HAD BEEN DISVIRGINED!!!

Juicy details but apparently the sex was highly exaggerated as I came to find out. She wrote about a floaty feeling, a tingly feeling, a warm sensation and a sharp pain with blood gushing everywhere. Kind of gave the image of the movie "Kill Bill" now that I think of it.

At this point the headache was so bad I decided to go get some Panadol.

When I got back the letter was missing, gone!

Headache vanished in a split second. I searched frantically for the letter but to no avail.

After a few minutes which seemed like hours My dad yelled my name.

I walked to his room like someone heading to the gallows.

Both parents stood like judges and I, like the convicted fool that I was. They yelled, and yelled and yelled. they cursed, they threatened, they asked how long I had been having sex.....

Couldn't they see the letter was describing it to me?

I was banned from going anywhere that entailed meeting MAN. Even the gate men!

Two days later I got another letter, this time the letter was open. I was no longer trusted...The letter was given to me amidst yelling,shouting and cursing....

Now what?

It was from my best male friend. he said ..."Thanks for the gifts, had a great time with you as always"....My dad concluded I had been sleeping with this best friend for ages, probably since I was ten and I had been spending all his money on the young man.

I kept wondering what the third trouble would be because I had heard they come in threes.

How I wanted to run away from home. I eventually did (years later) but story for another post.

My shoes

2008-01-17T16:05:00.000Z

My last post reminded me of something else that refused to die in my life, the only difference was I wanted this one to die!

Can't remember the year but I was in primary school, a lot of you might remember it. I was going to call them container till I saw Mummy had written about having shoes that remind her of them and they are called Cortina/Bata. The shoe was made by Bata but you could just call it Bata for short.

They were made in Nigeria and could withstand any weather or condition so parents loved them and bought them any opportunity they had. Up till the arrival of those shoes I always got two shoes per term. I would use one till it wore out then get the second pair.

Well the Bata shoes refused to die..And believe me they were ugly..Can't find a picture of it anywhere on the net. They were worn with white socks, the longer and whiter the socks the better..

I would soak them overnight in a bucket of water, walk in puddles when it rained, and use it to pack sand in the play ground at school. No one ever noticed I wore them wet to school because the water only made them look browner. I would drag my feet on the hard roads and pavements hoping the soles would wear out but no, the evil shoes would not die that easily.

A whole term finished, another term started, the new term finished I still had the one pair of Bata shoes. Then I got a brilliant idea, how to kill off the evil shoes!!

I sliced it with a razor blade! I was a genius! Why didn't i think of that a long time ago?

Couldn't go to school the next day because I had no shoes, Mum had gone shopping for new shoes so I waited at home in Ecstasy of their arrival. My mum finally came back with a shiny new box. I ripped the box apart, too impatient and excited to be careful and stared at my brand new pair of .......

CORTINA SHOES!!!

God bless Nokia

2008-01-09T19:44:00.000Z

The year was 2004, The phone...Nokia 7610.

Got the phone on a trip to London, At that time I was still in Nigeria.

It made me an acclaimed big girl in my office. How I loved that nokia, It had blue tooth, camera and a memory card.. how cool was that?

It fell everyday but all you had to do was pick it up and put the pieces back together.

First major mishap...

It fell into a pot of boiling egusi soup!!

I worked with a telecoms firm so I had a contract line with free minutes which means the minute I get home from work my little sisters and brothers would ask for the phone and sometimes I only see it the when the battery had died and needed to be recharged or when I have a call.

There was a call so my smallest sister ran into the kitchen with it, in a bid to give it to me she stumbled...we both followed the phone with our eyes till it landed in the pot of soup...glug glug...it took 5 seconds before I could react...Quickly fished it out amidst all the meat and palm oil in the soup. Took it apart, cleaned it lovingly and lay it to dry...3 days later it started working again....yipeeeee!!!

It fell, picked it up and put it back together.

Then it got a virus from someone via the beloved blue tooth and could no longer send messages through blue tooth. It would switch off on its own and blink, go off and come back on. Then one day It just wouldn't come on again. Was advised to take it to computer village, the guy there said I had to leave it till the following day, went back the following day and was given a different one...but you see my brother had put a mark on the inside....after threatening to bring the police and all, the original phone resurrected..It was finally repaired at Lagos Island. it started working again....yipeeeee!!!

It fell, picked it up and put it back together.

Traveled to UK with it in 2005 but wouldn't change it for anything..

Got a job, no phones allowed so I would put it on vibrate and tuck it into my pockets...

That faithful day My outfit didn't have pockets so tucked it into the band of my skirt...went to pee and just when I started peeing (You know that period when you can't stop the pee even if there is a nuclear explosion) I felt something drop into the water ..... glug glug...

MY Nokia.... in the toilet!!!

Dipped hands into toilet with pee and rescued it...shook it, shook it the whole day...it had bits of pee still coming out by the time I got home.

Put it on the heater to dry...It had taken such a pounding to get it to work this time that I had to use chewing gum to hold the battery in place. 7 days later it started working again....yipeeeee!!!

It fell, picked it up and put it back together.

Changed the case every month cos I could only get fake ones and they faded with each fall.

It fell, picked it up and put it back together, this time with the help of a rubber band.

Had a hot steaming bath, with Nokia in the bathroom...it got steamed up and wouldn't come on.

Shook out the water, dried it..Took over a week for it to start working again but it worked....yipeeeee!!!

Some times people would call me, I could hear them but they couldn't hear me...The technician said it was the mic but whn I gave it a proper knock it would work again.

People gave me new phones because they thought I couldn't afford one but I would just send them to my brothers, there the ones who like new gadgets. I loved my nokia!!

Went to Nigeria last year September and got robbed (follow the link to the robbery story) ....lol..it had withstood time, weather and age but ended up being nabbed!!!

It was nabbed.....battered, bruised, dejected, traumatised, unwilling to come back to this world as a phone...held together by chewing gum and rubber band!!!

This a is a tribute to a great phone.

Yes I know I am supposed to be reading (I no get work abi) but just saw someone with a brand new Nokia 7610...didn't know they still made them.

New Year Resolutions

2008-01-05T19:41:00.000Z

I woke up bloated, it gave me an idea of how I will look , when I am 3 months pregnant...my tummy was big, huge...massive...I don't mean the kind of big that has a divide in the middle...No, it was the big, out front and fully rounded type of big...shait (as the British would say) ...Took a picture of it and almost posted it but changed my mind at the last minute, no need to give you this picture of me when there are days I wake up with a perfectly flat tummy...OK I lie I lie, I kid I kid...smaller tummy more like...time to hit the gym me thinks...or more like time to lay off the Eba, cookies, cheesecake....But why starve myself?

I noticed while reading blogs this January that everyone has got a new year resolution...things to achieve and all...You all know how that spurs us into more plans...Got to achieve this and that next year...So I made some resolutions myself.

1) Get some qualifications

2) Stop posting naughty pictures

3) Ehmmmm Stop thinking about sex

To start the ball rolling I got myself enrolled in some management courses...They give you certificates at the end of the course...You know how we Nigerians love certificates...In fact if we could get a certificate for walking we would walk more...lol...anyway this Nigerian is no exception...I asked them if there would be certificates at the end of the course before I agreed to enroll...also registered to write Risk management certification...all this by the end of January....

There...now I've told everybody so I have to pass...If by first week of February you don't hear any more mention of Risk management you can safely assume I failed...And please kindly refrain from asking me about it!!!

I had told myself this year I would post no more naughty pictures but that is like stripping myself of my soul, my very essence. SO I'LL JUST MAKE THEM BIGGER!!

If an end to posting naughty pictures is like stripping myself of my very essence what will the not thinking about sex resolution do to me?

So as Carlang said...."Sod resolutions"!!

Unfortunately since I don't intend to fail the exam I already paid for, I wont be able to do blog rounds for a while...Need to read for the exams..No blog stalking, no taking first *sob sob*

Wish me luck!!

A text message

2007-12-26T13:10:00.000Z

Woke up this morning to a text from my mum...

It said the family would be fasting and praying till 12 noon for good health and no premature deaths, they asked me to read psalm 7 and 30. Decided to do as she said. Got the bible and opened Psalm 7...The first few lines were OK, although I wondered who was pursuing me. it said:

O LORD my God, I take refuge in you;

save and deliver me from all who pursue me,

or they will tear me like a lion

and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me.

Not bad so I kept reading then got to:

let the LORD judge the peoples.

Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness,

according to my integrity, O Most High.

I screamed "hell no" and closed the bible....

You wonder which part got me all agitated right?
This line....Judge me according to my righteousness and integrity. Shit I just woke up in the hands of a man...Hell no...If God judges me according to my righteousness and integrity this morning there will surely be a bolt of lightening...I quickly closed the bible and prayed a favourite prayer which is familiar to me and God. Father I am a sinner please forgive my trespasses. Lord you know I am willing, its just hard.

On a lighter note, Christmas day was cool...lazed around half naked the whole day and spent the day and night in the arms of a man...yes, A MAN...not saying I shagged oh but.....and who ever came up with that "cooking while looking sexy line" messed up big time..Can bet you it's a man. I tried frying chicken while wearing skimpy lingerie and ended up with oil flying all directions and me taking cover. So so overrated, ladies put on your full length jumpers before you decide to fry anything...I mean the guy will just get another chick if you are all pock marked with scars from cooking...that Cinderella shit doesn't work any more. Oh Cinderella didn't do lingerie!!!

Merry Christmas Blogville

2007-12-19T09:08:00.001Z

Dance with me this christmas.....Everyone have fun,stay out of trouble, (naaa that doesn't sound like me) Have loads of fun,drink till you cant stand up,loads of gbenshing and kpanshing...Live life..MERRY CHRISTMAS.Love you all!!!

Robbed

2007-12-12T21:10:00.000Z

I bet you have always imagined how you would react if you were robbed or if robbers ever ventured into your home.I always watched movies and would respond "Gimme a break" when I saw the dumb blond screaming her head off and would imagine myself slowly creep away to get help,or creep in the shadows to my dad's room to grab a gun...

wellllll it doesn't actually work that way in real life.

Went to Lagos last year august/September to spend a month with my family.My newly discovered cousin from America (story for another post) also came to Nigeria to meet a family she didn't know existed till a couple of months earlier. Took one look at this cousin and knew she was a bad girl in good girl skin just like yours truly so we got on like a house on fire. (wonder why they say that, don't think the house would like the fire that much). She would hug my dad and call him daddy then ask me to organize something as she can't imagine leaving Nigeria without laying a home boy. (did I? story for another post).

Anyway on this lovely evening when NEPA (Electric company) had done their thing we decided to go for a walk in the estate, I remember her asking if it was save to go out with her digital camera and we all laughed at her and told her to chill, nothing happens around here.

Things happened that night.

We got home a couple of minutes before 8pm, there was still no light and the gen goes on at 8pm. My dad was on the dining table eating, we usually sit around him and gist (Now that we are too old to be told to shut up and reminded of our grade in school). So we were gathered around him with one lone candle on the table. I remember him asking where the boys were so someone would put on the gen but they had gone to the mechanic to service the car.

Then all of a sudden they all came into the dining at the same time.My thought at the time was "why are they all coming in like that" then I saw the scruffy looking man with them.I simply assumed he was the mechanic and was going to tell them off for bringing him straight in when I noticed the bad ass looking gun.

The lead robber whispered "CORPORATE" and my mum asked who that was, told her "THIEF"...At which she completely lost it and started shouting "Blood of Jesus, Devil I rebuke you...The robber started begging her..."madam its OK, we wont shoot if you corporate"...OK everybody get down...Well he didn't really say it that way, what he said was "oya make unna lie down...I of course went under the dining table!

But what did my American cousin do? She lay down alright but face up. How the hell will you lie face up looking at the robbers? Inviting rape? When we asked her later she said she didn't have her glasses on so she couldn't see them!!!! Sure the robbers know you wear glasses love. All my prayer at that point was that she wouldn't say a word cos if they heard her accent,we would all die that night.

The robbers were six in number and used the one candle to go to all the rooms. They did their thing and took one car that stopped outside the gate cause of the security.

Then they went into the next building and beat the living daylights out of people there, guess there was no money at home.

An hour after they had gone the police came with some dead looking guns shouting "where are they, where are they?" My brother suggested we tell them they were in a particular section and see what they would do...Where are they my ass...

Still looking forward to relocating back home though, will just make sure I keep their "share" at home!!!

I’m I wicked???

2007-12-05T20:11:00.000Z

My "friend" calls me only when she needs help.
She never seems to struggle for anything, she stayed with me for about a year in London.
While I was at work she was clubbing and partying.
While I was trying to make up the rent she was shopping at the designer shops.
She said I was no fun anymore, I had changed too much from when we were in school. (It’s called growing up, fool).
Well, while my friend was here in London she dated some guy.
She liked him for a while, that was until she started finding out stuff he thought was hidden.
How the hell do you hide an ex wife with 4 kids? Two of which were had while he was dating her.
Anyways, She left him and went back to Nigeria and immediately got engaged to an old school mate.
She hadn’t called me for about a month, two weeks ago she called, crying.
The guy was threatening to release a sex tape they had made together.
For a split second I wished he would...OK make that a split week...

Then I immediately felt bad (A WEEK LATER!)...

Does this make me an evil person?

Weird me

2007-11-26T21:04:00.000Z

I was tagged by princesa , pamelastitch, Zephi , and guerreiranigeriana

They wanna know weird facts about me...so here goes.

1: For some reason I find it hard saying “You’re welcome” when someone says thank you. It just hangs in my throat and never comes out...or I just say “No problem”. How do you even begin to answer “Cheers mate”?

2: Struck me when unNaked soul mentioned in his weird facts that he doesn’t like his early morning breathe...I am totally comfortable with mine and usually eat, drink and talk plenty before I brush..lol.

3: I am extremely comfortable naked in front of other women but immediately become conscious of my body if there is a man around...hope that doesn’t make me an undiscovered lesbian .

4: When a guy asks me out unlike some ladies who look at his shoes or wrist watch or shirt I unconsciously look at his trousers...wondering if there is a bulge, how big is it, can he perform?..Strange, especially since I might never sleep with him.

5: My mum is my best friend...She tricked me into telling her I had lost my virginity (Story for another post) so there didn’t seem to be any point keeping stuff from her after that......Invariably that means my old man most probably knows everything there is to know about me.

6: I hate my first boyfriend...most women have special attachments with the first love...I hate mine. He was my best friend till that moment but ever since then I have felt like he took something from me.

7: Can stay indoors for 3 whole months without coming out. Just give me a game and my phone.

8: I am noisy, talkative and have no secrets yet when it comes to relationships I cannot openly tell anyone how I really feel about them.

9: I love seeing people who are fatter than me, they make me feel like one more cheese cake won’t hurt.

10: I route for the bad guys in movies...well some movies...Recently saw some old movie “Gone in 60 seconds” Though the bad guy who was a car thief caused a lot of accidents while being chased by the cops I was praying he would get away...lol..Maybe there is an undiscovered criminal in me.

11: I love Eba for breakfast... For non Nigerians, that’s like having a very heavy dinner for breakfast!

Ok I know the weird facts were supposed to be 8 but some of us are just weirdly blessed!

30 Days of thankfulness - Day 23

2007-11-23T11:14:00.000Z

I thought long and hard about what pic to put on this post,doesn't seem to wise to put up a naughty one...lol..So a dedicated staff one came to mind.

Join me in the Thankfulness Chain....if you've been tagged, please complete the tag on the assigned day example... if you're tagged for November 21... that is day 21 and you should title your post 30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 21 provide a link to the person that tagged you previously Also provide a link to the two people that you're tagging for the next day so we can all follow the chain... DO let them know they're being tagged.. why they're being tagged, and how to grow the chain if you're unable to do the tag on your assigned day... still choose the day to reflect the date you do it (if you're choosing not to back date it) ...example... if you're tagged for November 25 but don’t get to do it till November 27... and you're not back dating.. it's okay to do it as Day 27 you can post these rules or something to this effect to help it along.. :-) I was tagged by Allied, Aijay and mommy.

(NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND THE RULES BUT WHO CARES, HERE GOES)

************************************************************************************

I am grateful to God for my health, for being alive despite all odds.

For passing exams even when I don’t read.

For my Parents who despite everything are the best I could ever ask for.

For my brothers and sisters. (who I grew up regarding as friends and my little servants. Too bad they grew up.lol.)

For good and bad friends because I learn something from everyone I meet.

For every good and bad relationships (Means I am attractive and desirable) For never being out of a job for long.

For my blogsville family because whenever I am having it bad someone is having it worse..lol

For the ability to laugh in the face of trouble and trauma.

Thank you Lord for refusing that prayer request I made, you were right that I would change my mind.

Thank you for the one you are going to eventually say yes to, even though you already said no. I know you will agree just to get me to shut up.

Thank you Lord for making me who I am today.

I wonder if anyone has tagged UBONG DA…This post will look kind of hilarious and out of place in his blog don’t you think?

I am tagging fluffycutething, Orientatednaijababe and tboz (another bad son)!